uberjam

Dark and desolate

2011-07-28T01:05:00.000+08:00

It's hard to say you've reached rock bottom - perhaps even foolish - if you take a look around you and see that you're tucked away safely within the shelter of your family; you are nourished three times a day, or more; and, still able to indulge yourself with some material wants using your own personal cash.

That is not poverty. That doesn't sound desperate. If anything, it looks to be a very appealing situation for any decent-minded person.

Yet it is precisely this that makes things all the more tragic.

It is for this reason that I shall not fill these pages with agony, for what use is it to me to have another space drenched in thoughts of self-pity. I shall not mope and cry foul for it only amplifies the grief there is in knowing that the world moves on, unmindful of what I feel or think.

No. I shall move on just as the world does. And I shall hope that somehow all this will come to an end before I disappear in the hollow abyss that resides in me. When that happens, then we'll never really know.

What is wrong with this picture?

2011-07-07T18:01:00.002+08:00

The sheriff who got beat up for doing his job (overzealous or not) apologizes to the lady mayor who did the beating.

The lady mayor who committed violence under the pretense that she was actually trying to prevent violence gets praised. The vice-mayor, who is her father, backs her up, curses in public and gives the media the dirty finger. His son, a city councilor and president of the city's league of barangays, gets his group to throw its support behind his sister, and also gives the dirty finger for all the world to see.

A bishop (among several) has the gall to specifically request for a Montero as a birthday gift under the guise that he will use it in serving the poor. And the Church says it is standing by its bishops' claims.

Meanwhile, another priest is accused of rape.

The Church condemns gay marriage, while the rest of the world celebrate a US State's legalization of the same thing. You can be gay, the Church says, just don't have sex. And yes, that means no marriage too. And their definition of gay is?

Now you have the PCSO with intelligence funds bigger than that of the country's armed forces. It is handled by a person who appears to be not even intelligent enough to know what intelligence funds are supposedly for. The people hurling the most devastating of questions are the likes of Enrile and Lacson - not exactly of the heroic and corrupt-free pedigree.

Pilipinas, I love you but you pain me so.

The lady mayor can punch. Can we all take the hit?

2011-07-02T22:50:00.001+08:00

I cannot help but feel incensed at the sight of Mayor Sara Duterte hitting another public servant for all the world to see. I understand it is quite a polarizing issue, but I want to weigh in on the matter.

There are basically two sides to the debate. There are the people who laud the incident by focusing on why Mayor Duterte went on to do what she did. And then there are those who condemn it by looking at the incident itself, regardless of why or what compelled her to do it.

I belong to the latter group.

I would not want to speculate on what Mayor Duterte's true intentions were. She could be telling the truth, or she may very well have had selfish aims in wanting to be there, in the first place. I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. That said, I (together with a lot of people, it seems) still think she was way out of line when she assaulted the sheriff.

Mayor Duterte may have had all the right intentions in mind when she supposedly asked for a 2-hour delay in the demolition. She may have had the right to feel irate at the refusal of the sheriff to heed her request. But nothing - absolutely nothing - excuses her actions during and after that incident.

Assisted by two of her personal guards (who could be clearly seen holding the hapless sheriff in place), she went on to humiliate and viciously attack another human being for doing simply what was essentially his job. To make matters worse, she would go on to make statements after that act of thuggery which not only reeked of arrogance, but of this sense of god-like omnipotence. She remained unremorseful and even proceeded to make more threats against those she deemed could move against her. Budget cuts to the judiciary, for one.

At the end of the day, all I see in Mayor Duterte is hypocrisy. She claims she wanted to have been there when the demolition started in order to prevent violence. But what does she do the moment she arrives, knowing that she did not get her way? She resorts to violence.

Let me repeat that: she resorted to violence because she failed to prevent violence.

Pause. rewind. play. erase.

2011-06-24T01:18:00.002+08:00

In one test I took recently, I came face-to-face with a question that caused me to pause for quite a while. Not because I didn't know what to make of it. Not because I had no answer to give - in fact, I had one ready right from the get-go. It just suddenly occurred to me that I wasn't too sure anymore if I still actually believed what I thought was my confident answer to the rather innocuous question: What do you think is the most important thing in a job?

You'd agree with me that it's got to be one of the easiest things to answer. There are tons of ways to do so, and every one of them would be just as nice to hear. Each one socially acceptable. Each one makes you the good guy who deserves nothing but the very best.

So what caused my hesitation?

Well, to explain that I'll have to give you my answer:

...its public service component. The most important thing in a job is the way it helps and serves people. Not the person doing the job, but those around him. Every job has to have some way which puts the person engaged in it in a position to help others. Especially those who have less. A job has to go beyond earning money. Money that would buy us the things we want. Things that we'll never really get enough of. A person who's in it for the money will never be satisfied; always ending up empty or at least incomplete.

I used to think I wholeheartedly believe in this statement, this principle, without a hint of tentativeness or hesitation. I not only believed in it, I lived my life by it.

Unfortunately, I went through a phase that successfully led me astray and caused me to forget it almost completely. And it is only now that I am trying to pick things up and piece together what was once a solid, unshakable belief in the pursuit of my dreams and the manner I am willing to go about it.

I am not yet out of that maze that carried me away. And that is why I hesitated.

Message received

2011-06-22T22:19:00.001+08:00

Earlier today, I received a text message from my best bud, M, who lives back in Naga with his folks and youngest brother. It spoke of despair and desperation.

What struck me about it was that I had seen it before. The same kind of message, saying the same kind of things. It was all too familiar. It had been in my phone before. Except that, that other time, I was the one who made it. I just didn't send it out.

For some reason, M and I are in the same boat, standing in the same crossroad. Not clear what we're doing there in the first place, and completely clueless where exactly we are headed. We are both in between jobs. We both feel capable of doing a lot - especially a lot of good - but we're not quite sure why we haven't been in those situations yet where we can truly show the world what we're capable of. We are fighting off our own personal demons. And all this time, we're both trying to maintain a calm and stable disposition so that those people around us do not feel alarmed or worry about our well-being.

The similarities are truly uncanny. This, considering the great distance that separates us and the different circumstances we find ourselves in.

I allowed the text to simmer inside my head. I thought about what it meant, and what I should say in reply. I decided to tell him the truth.

I said we were both confronting the same problems. Part of me wished that it was enough to assuage his feelings. Of course, I knew better. I wanted to tell him I was in no better position to really impart some wise advice, considering my predicament. But I just ended up describing to him how I was doing and how I was trying to cope with whatever was being thrown at me. And I hoped it was enough.

----------------------------------------------

It has been an exhausting journey, with all the ups and downs. And much as I would like to say I know there is something good ahead of me, I can't. At least not right now. My well of good vibes is empty, and I haven't a clue how to fill it up again. Not right now.

Sometimes - and I know this sounds creepy and all - I think the reason I can't see myself 5-10 years from now is that I may not be around that long anyway. But then I look back and I realize this is how I've felt my entire life. Surely some sense of comfort can be taken from that.

The day before

2011-06-13T14:52:00.001+08:00

When I wake up early tomorrow, I will probably be sick to my stomach agonizing over the anticipation of being grilled by a panel of lawyers. I know it's not my first time, and it definitely won't be the last, but the nagging, gut-wrenching feeling will definitely be there waiting for me, tormenting me down to the very last second before it all begins.

My prayer is pretty simple: if this is the opportunity for self-redemption I've been waiting for, I hope I do well tomorrow and I promise, once I get in, I will strive to be the best at what I do. If not, I hope I still do okay just so I don't go home feeling like some sort of reject - in my mind, a failure in not so many words

It's hard to get by with bits and pieces of yourself broken by the memory of a past only half-understood.

A smokefree Starbucks

2011-06-12T00:11:00.002+08:00

Starting June 27 of this month, it looks like Starbucks Philippines is going smokefree. (I make a quick search and I find out that this is not the first time that the coffee giant has adopted a similar policy.)

I must say I did not see this one coming. I've been a tobacco control advocate for three years now and with all that I've come to know about this advocacy, I've concluded that the Philippines is years away from the advances being made by its more developed peers. The industry here is just way too strong, the government too weak, and the advocates too ill-equipped and fragmented (read: corrupted by greed, divided by envy).

It's nice to be proven wrong sometimes. In this case, at least about the timeline for significant change. All because one company dares to defy an errant subculture - one that we can all do without. (I actually have a different opinion on the laws being cited as bases, and the entities entrusted with their enforcement, so I give the credit to the initiative being taken by the company)

Good riddance, nasty carcinogenic fumes. Welcome to the aroma of freshly-brewed coffee.

Happy Independence Day, indeed!

And the waiting continues

2011-05-14T01:32:00.003+08:00

Waiting for replies to job applications isn't only an exercise in patience; it is a test of one's character as well.

Take, for example, one friend of mine who finished at the top of our class in law school. She immediately plunged into the world of employment after hurdling the bar exams, and worked for a large law firm. After two years, she felt it was time to move on and she began handing out resumes to possible new employers. One recipient was this government agency where two other classmates of ours were already working in. My friend waited for months for an answer, a date for her interview, a schedule for an exam, or even a letter informing her of a lack of available positions. It was all for naught. She never heard from them, and to this day, she still feels stung by that "snubbing" experience.

One could argue that she's being unreasonable. My friend would be a valuable asset for any institution. She's intelligent, she works hard, and she almost never gives up on a task, no matter how difficult it may seem. The simplest way to look at that incident would be that it was the state agency which missed an opportunity to snag a true keeper for an employee.

That and yet my friend still feels bad whenever she looks back and wonder why they never got back to her. Was she that unqualified for the job? Were her credentials that bad? Why?

Not too long ago, it was my turn to be in that uneasy situation. When I searched for my first regular job in 2008, I spent almost two months applying for a lawyer position. I took exams, I drafted sample decisions, I underwent interviews - I did them all. Then came the waiting part. I counted days, then weeks, and then before long it had been a month. I got nothing from any of my prospective employers.

Soon, I began to question myself. A war raged inside my head between that part of me that believes in me, and that part of me with doubts. I can't remember it now, but there may have even been times when I unraveled and shed tears for the self-torture I subjected myself to. Like my friend, I tried very hard not to make too much of the matter. Like her, I often failed.

In the end, I accepted the first offer that came my way, out of desperation (big mistake that one!). Little did I know that just a week later, the results I had been waiting for would all arrive, and I would get offers from all those I applied to.

I am in that same waiting phase right now. Every day that goes by is a needle that pokes needlessly, suggesting that maybe I'm not good enough for those I wish to work for/in. It's hard to get over the negative feelings, to maintain the faith, even if there's no other way to go about it, and no matter how inappropriate the pessimism is.

That's how it measures character. Mine. My friend's. Probably yours, too. Are we the type whose resolve does not waver easily, or are we quite vulnerable beneath the brave facade we like to put up. In the past, I proved that I am of this second kind much to my dismay. Today, well, it remains to be seen.

How I shaked my head with a smile

2011-05-10T14:47:00.005+08:00

[NOTE: The first of three parts. I have been composing this piece for quite some time now, and I think I need to start posting it just so I make sure I get to finish it. My motivation is two-fold: I want to share one personal unique experience, and I want to practice writing (well) again. I have not been satisfied with my work of late. I think my skills are on the decline.]

Maybe it was the loud music or maybe it was that I did not think of it as music at all. Either way, the first time the fab four and I crossed paths was quite unremarkable.

"Easy ka lang. Easy ka lang. Easy ka lang at baka ka mahibang."

It was one of those weekends I would spend at my grandparents' house (mother's side), and one uncle was fixing his bike, completely engrossed in the entire exercise. He had his radio by his side, playing a cassette tape of some alien local tunes. The album sleeve was on top of the stereo, and I instinctively picked it up to have a look at the rowdy bunch behind the noise interrupting an otherwise lazy Saturday afternoon.

Eraserheads. Never heard of them. Ultraelectromagnetic-Pop. Nothing registered. I was an 80's baby, you see. There was more Voltron in me than Voltes V. Neither was I initiated in the body of work of this David Lynch fellow.

On the cover were these four unexceptional guys who wore bright colored shirts, looked sleep-deprived, and had these odd-looking smiles on their faces. While one (or two) was holding up a cigarette which had to be painted over for marketability, I suppose, everyone had on the infamous Converse sneakers.

"Who are they?" I asked in the vernacular.

"They're good, right?" my uncle replied, without bothering to stop what he was doing. "That's your uncle, you know."

Pause. It took a good few seconds before I got to process the passing remark and quickly reflect on what had just been relayed to me.

"Okay..." I thought to myself. "Maybe, I'll go have another look."

"Everybody shine. Shine everybody. Everybody rise and shine."

A month or two later, the band was the talk of the town. Every kid wanted his own pair of Chucks (I had mine in red). We had our hair long and "undercut". For the more adventurous lot, they went as far as to wear checkered long-sleeved shirts, after class hours.

It was a strange period. We were in our teens - that point in life where everyone's supposed to be keen on setting themselves apart, looking for their own unique individual identities. And yet there we were trying to look exactly like each other. We all wanted to be Ely. Or Raymund. Or Buddy. Or Marcus. We all relished that license to curse with feelings, with every boy feeling his love spurned by some girl - who may not even be aware he exists. And it did not help that those coming from the similarly exclusive school across from ours were fondly called "kolehiyalas".

I was personally smitten. For about three years, I wrote exclusively with an inverted "E". I had no idea where Tandang Sora was back then, much less the CASAA, but I didn't care. Nobody did. Everything the band sold, consciously or otherwise, we were willing to buy. It was no surprise then when on one of the school's variety shows, three performance acts did E'heads songs. One band played the anthemic "Pare Ko" while another tried their luck with "Maling Akala". One notorious group even danced to "Toyang", whether you can picture that in your head or not.

Crazy.

"It doesn't matter where you are. However near it's still so far."

My friend and I were by Mang Larry's in front of Kalayaan Residence Hall. I was an Isko. He was an Arnean. We had just finished with our daily calls to the province, with homesickness and all, when this black Honda Civic parked beside the isaw stall.

Two people came out and made a sizeable order of the infamous grilled chicken entrails. Each one had a bottle of beer in hand. Both seemed engrossed in playful banter neither one of us could clearly make out.

"Is that...?" My eyes seemed to ask my friend.

"Yes." His appeared to say in reply.

"And that other guy's....?"

"Yes."

We were within earshot of Ely and Marcus, eating isaw, and all we could afford was a smile (to each other, at that) and a story we would go on to recount on numerous drinking bouts from then on. Relative or not, I had become a fan. And the dilemma I had that night, having to balance familial ties and teen adulation continues to haunt me to this very day.

After that incident, I kept my distance and followed the band religiously in my own obsessive way. I went to practically all school concerts that bannered them as the main act. Every UP fair, I would stay until they had finished their set. I tape-recorded their performances broadcast live on the the radio. One time, while recording, I even had to use earphones since two roommates were bar reviewees who did not want to be disturbed the least bit.

Of course, I did not understand those two then. It would take me ten years.

[to be continued]

That forgettable trip

2011-05-08T01:19:00.014+08:00

Some time in September 2008, I came home to Naga City by air for a work-related sortie. For some reason, I documented that trip which, as I recall now, was too short and unremarkable to merit a detailed account. I am a sucker for mementos though, so instead of throwing my notes away, I'll just put them down here for your benefit as well as mine.

The weather wasn't playing nice so a lot of flights had to be canceled. For better or for worse, mine wasn't among them so I left for the airport at around 4:20am.

At the NAIA, I saw then-ADNU President, Fr. Tabora. I don't know him personally but I recognized him from the pictures I'd come across and the few times I'd seen him in person whenever my family goes to the university church. There was also Bugoy. I think he was the winner of this nationwide talent show by ABS-CBN. He was with another singer (Gian, I think, was his name - partner of Viva Hotbabe Sherrie). To pass the time, I stuffed myself with a veggie pizza baguette, coupled with one mean iced coffee.

By 6:30am, everyone was on board. I got a window seat and was surprised to learn I had no one beside me. It turned out the plane wasn't full. I took notice of the flight stewardesses who were quite the lookers. It probably struck me since I came to remember the ones on my Davao (Cebu Pacific) and Bangkok (PAL) flights a month or two earlier, who were considerably older. One in particular was quite nasty.

At 6:51am, we were up in the air with gray clouds all around us. Looking down, I caught a glimpse of fish pens scattered across (what I assumed to be) Laguna Lake. I thought about taking pictures but discovered I forgot to put the batteries back into my camera.

A few minutes passed (6:55am) before we found ourselves in the clear. The heavens decided to lighten up and let the sun shine through.

At 7:02am, 77 nautical miles from Naga and hovering at an altitude of 20,000 feet, I found time to rediscover Oasis's Champagne Supernova, Radiohead's High and Dry, and the Smashing Pumpkins's take of Landslide. I thought those big earphones would've been nice at that time for a fabulous high-altitude audio experience.

At about 7:15am, the plane passed by Daru Anak island over at the Pasacao area. Three minutes later, it made final preparations for landing.

Soon, the aircraft touched down at the Pili Airport. I looked at my watch to find that we were 8 minutes ahead of schedule. I felt though that I had come home at just the right time.

The End.

Prelude to a Makati morning

2011-05-04T00:25:00.004+08:00

Where am I and where am I headed?

These are the two questions that greet me every morning these days. I know it sounds so familiar (and that's probably because most of you ask yourselves these same questions on a consistent basis as well), but believe me when I say that my current predicament tend to make my encounter a bit different than usual.

For one, I currently do not have a regular job. I have been taking on small and insignificant (in terms of compensation) projects every now and then, but for the most part I have been a couch potato these past few months. As a result, I've had to endure more than the average amount of time for soul-searching than I am normally accustomed to.

Also, the circumstances that led to my not having a regular job today were not very "nice". Suffice to say, I had to fight my way out of my previous engagement. In fact, the battle ensues to this very day. In consequence, I have also been plagued by lingering doubts about my self-worth, my principles and my abilities as a human being - even if many of them, as others would tell me, are undeserved. These, too, have inevitably led me to conduct a much deeper inquiry on my current state, and my immediate future.

Sometimes it gets too frustrating since it's beginning to feel more and more like the same thing happening over and over again. And no matter how I try to come up with an answer, the inquisition never seems to come to a halt.

Tomorrow is another interview to be had. I am hoping for the best. Maybe these internal questions will stop, or at least lessen in frequency, if I get to answer correctly the questions that will be fielded towards me tomorrow by someone else (for a change).

I hope and pray that I am right.

Realignment

2011-04-19T15:07:00.001+08:00

In his book, Outliers, author Malcolm Gladwell introduces to the world a rather interesting suggestion: every person who is widely-regarded as an ace in or a master of his or her field has spent at least 10,000 hours doing whatever it is he or she does best. Simply put, if Gladwell is to be believed, Michael Jordan spent 10,000 hours playing basketball before he reached the pinnacle of his airness (read: greatness). Steve Jobs and Bill Gates put in the same amount of time tinkering with computers before they came to be the lords of modern technology that they are today.

The wealth of information Gladwell presents to substantiate his rather incredible theory makes for a compelling argument. I for one am convinced. And I intend to put this theory to the test, knowing fully well that there is nothing to lose but everything to gain from an attempt to validate (or disprove) it.

Starting today, I plan to make strategic changes in my daily routine to ensure that a significant amount of my time is spent on the things I consider to be my strengths. It is not as hard as it sounds. My main criteria for identifying my so-called "strengths" is the fact that they should be something I have been doing for quite some time already. In other words, I am not about to embark on an entirely new field or area (say dance, for instance) and start my count from hour 1. That would take too long and I am not patient enough to see the effort through. I will just stick to my guns, so to speak, and see where they take me.

It is a welcome challenge and is one I hope will finally help me become more productive, and less susceptible to the many distractions this modern age has imposed on many of us. Yes, I am talking about television and social networking apparatuses like Facebook and Twitter. These things, I'm afraid, have unwittingly made a lot of people stoic witnesses to the lives of others; in the process, depriving them of the opportunity to live out their own interesting stories. That, however, is for another post and I end this one here.

Been here, done this

2011-04-14T22:09:00.001+08:00

I just came from a short trip to Singapore and Kuala Lumpur with my father and sisters. There was little time to plan the entire thing, and it made for quite a challenging feat for me and my sister Jihan, as we tried to navigate our way through the streets of the two cities while managing the different temperament of people around us - ourselves included.

Upon our return (late Tue evening), I got word that I had an interview scheduled the following morning at this government agency I had sent an application to, a couple of weeks back.

Experience has taught me not to make much of these things, until I am actually offered a job or position by the would-be employer. And I was right to remind myself of this yesterday.

With little sleep behind me, I woke up and arrived at the interview around 10 minutes late. Fortunately, it was an informal one and the lady interviewer didn't seem to mind my tardiness.

The interview itself was quite relaxed so I soon found myself churning out my answers like telling random personal stories to some stranger. It lasted about 20-30 minutes or so.

I was told afterwards that the HR head wanted to talk to me personally, but that he was still in a meeting, so lady interviewer had me answer a couple of psych tests first. By the time I completed the exam, it was already lunch break so I was advised to avail of the building cafeteria and return at 1pm for my meeting with the department head.

I did exactly as told and chose to walk down the stairs from the 8th to the 2nd floor, and back, just to kill time between downing my meal and returning to the office by 1.

It turns out my "interview" with the chief wasn't that much of an interview. The chief just asked me a few questions, with lady interviewer sitting behind me, and then told me that they'd just contact me once something came up. He was obviously preoccupied with a lot of things.

I came home after that and tried to catch as much sleep as I could.

I've done all I can for this one. It's all up to lady luck or lady fate, if they'll choose to smile upon me.

Azkals to face off with Sri Lanka (and hopefully, Kuwait)

2011-03-30T16:41:00.005+08:00

Well, the wait's over and the Philippines are set to clash with Sri Lanka in order to survive round 1 of the 2014 World Cup Asian Qualifiers. (see previous post for a quick look at Sri Lanka)

First game's in Sri Lanka, while the second leg will be played here. It'll likely be in Panaad again in Bacolod, although the Rizal Memorial Stadium is also being eyed as a possible alternative.

If we survive, Kuwait awaits. (just had to say that. haha)

How do the Azkals Match up with the other Teams?

2011-03-29T13:04:00.043+08:00

Everyone (who actually cares about pinoy football) eagerly awaits the results of tomorrow's draw for the first round of the 2014 World Cup Qualifiers that will be held this June and July. Up for determination are the head-to-head match-ups between and among the 16 teams involved, including the Philippines.

While waiting, there's no reason why we can't explore and try to get a feel of the landscape, by looking at the Azkals' potential opponents and how they've fared so far against these teams.

Timor Leste
Azkals' all-time record: 4-0-0 (W/D/L)

Dubbed “O Sol Nascente” – which translates to “the rising sun” – by their fans, the Timor Leste national football team can probably relate to the Azkals’ role (until recently) as Asia’s favorite whipping boy. In fact, they’ve had it worse. Since they began competing internationally, they have lost every single game they’ve been in except for one: a draw with Cambodia in 2008. One other thing they share with the Philippines is having the misfortune of suffering their worst loss at the hands of the Malaysians, who tore them apart in a 2004 game that ended 8-0.

Their 5 most recent games have all been against Southeast Asian teams: Indonesia, Laos, Cambodia and the Azkals. In these games, they’ve gone on to concede almost 4 goals per match, while managing only to score an average of 1.

If paired up with the Azkals, their luck is unlikely to change – what with the resurgence of the latter of late. They have met on 4 occasions already with the Philippines getting the better of them each time. That said, their football federation has reportedly called up their own nationals playing overseas in order to take part in their WC campaign.

Afghanistan
Azkals’ all-time record: 0-1-0 (W/D/L)

For those of you wondering, yes, war-torn Afghanistan has a national football team. While the ongoing strife in the country has had some impact on their record – their lowest FIFA ranking was 204 in 2003 – it wasn’t always bad for Team Melli (“the national team” in Persian). The pinnacle of their football history thus far was in 1954 when they placed 4th in the Asian Games. Today, one could say they’re also in the middle of their own football renaissance after reaching the finals of the 2010 South Asian games. There, they went on to defeat India, Sri Lanka, Pakistan and Maldives before bowing out to host Bangladesh in the championship match.

The Azkals have faced off with Afghanistan only once, and it was during the inauguration of the AFC Challenge Cup in 2006 held in Chittagong, Bangladesh. The game ended in a draw (1-1). If the two teams meet again, Team Melli will likely be led by Belal Arezou. The 21-year old striker from the Norwegian Club Asker stole the show last year in the South Asian Games when he almost single-handedly steered the team to the finals by scoring all 6 of his country’s goals.

Mongolia
Azkals’ all-time record: 1-0-1 (W/D/L)

By now, pinoys from around the globe will already be familiar with the Blue Wolves from the steppes of North Asia. The Mongolian national football team rarely compete on the international level. As such, they have only won a total of 8 games against 4 country opponents – Guam, Macau, Northern Mariana Islands and the Philippines. One interesting fact about them is that while their biggest win has been against Guam (5-0 in 2003), they also carry the reputation of being the only FIFA-affiliated country to have ever lost a game to Guam. Now, it is difficult to gauge which one is actually worse: that or their 0-15 loss to Uzbekistan in 1998.

Their last 5 games have been against Macau, Guam, and the Azkals. It was their match against Guam that resulted in their historic loss. Meanwhile, they split their meetings with both Macau and the Philippines.

If the Azkals again find themselves against their fellow canine rivals, the outcome remains a toss-up between the two, since their last 2 games have also been their only 2 meetings (ever).

Macau
Azkals’ all-time record: 1-0-2 (W/D/L)

No, Macau is not a country, but yes, they have their own football team. The tiny island was handed back by Portugal over to China, and has since become a special administrative region, which is allowed to maintain its own representatives to international sports competitions. “A equipa verde”, or “the green team” in Portuguese, is how the people of Macau call their football team.

With their size, they don’t seem to be that much of a threat but anyone falling for that would be mistaken. The green team actually have a winning record (2-1) against the Azkals. Their 5 most recent games have been against Cambodia, Chinese Taipei, Hong Kong and the Philippines. They lost big to Chinese Taipei, with their match ending 1-7.

If by chance, it becomes a PH-Macau duel, neither is expected to be given that much of an advantage. The Azkals may have won late last year 5-0, but Macau’s biggest win had also been at the expense of the Philippines (5-1 in 1996).

Palestine
Azkals’ all-time record: 0-1-0 (W/D/L)

It’s hard to get a feel out of a possible matchup with Palestine, given only their very recent match with the Azkals (which failed to yield any goal) to work with. However, it’s fairly easy to take something positive out of that goalless game, considering Palestine’s pedigree in recent years.

Historically, the Palestinian “Knights” or “Fighters” have proven themselves to be skilled competitors, capable of wreaking havoc against opposing teams. Leading to the 2000 Asian Cup and the 2002 World Cup, they failed to qualify but not before defeating Hong Kong and Malaysia first. For the 2006 World Cup, the Knights almost made it again past the group stage when it ran over Chinese Taipei with an 8-0 win, while forcing a draw (1-1) with regional favorite, Iraq. It was only after Israel refused to grant travel permits to almost half of the team that the West Asian upstarts began to crumble. Barely able to put up a full team, they lost to Uzbekistan 0-3, before also conceding their next 2 games.

Their last 5 games have been a mix of wins, losses, and a solitary draw against different teams. The Knights were defeated by Iraq (0-3) and Tanzania (0-1), before recovering in time to beat Bangladesh (2-0) and Myanmar (3-1) in the recently concluded qualifying round for the 2012 AFC Challenge Cup.

Bangladesh
Azkals’ all-time record: 1-0-1 (W/D/L)

The Bengal Tigers are sure to put up a fight if they again find themselves against the Philippines this June after barely 3 months.

It turns out these South Asians are no push-overs themselves. Winners of the 2003 South Asian Football Federation Championship, as well as last year’s South Asian Games, they will be looking for payback against the team that eliminated them for next year’s AFC Challenge Cup. Speaking of that competition, Bangladesh actually reached the quarterfinals of its 2006 edition.

That said, the team appears to be off-key lately, losing 4 of its last 5 games, including the one against the Azkals. They also gave up games to Myanmar, Palestine and Sri Lanka.

Prior to their March 25 face-off, the Azkals and the Tigers last competed against each other in 1984, with the latter winning by a goal (3-2).

Sri Lanka
Azkals’ all-time record: 1-0-1 (W/D/L)

Apparently, the Sri Lankan national football team go by many names. Apart from being referred to as “Papandu Kandyama” or the “national team” in Sinhalese, they are also sometimes called the “Lions” or the “Brave Reds”.

In 1995, they were crowned champion of the SAFFC. They reached the semi-final rounds in 2008 and 2009. Meanwhile, during the inauguration of the AFC Challenge Cup in 2006, the Lions reached the finals before settling for 2nd place.

This is not the first time the country has attempted to qualify for the World Cup. For the 2010 WC Qualifiers, it lost to Qatar with an aggregate score of 0-6.

The team’s current roster look to be ill-prepared to break out of the slump it appears to be in. Their last 5 games have resulted in 3 losses and one solitary win (against Bangladesh).

There is actually very little history between the Azkals and Sri Lanka. The last time the two met was in 1996, when the Lions pounced on the hapless Azkals 3-0. Before that, in 1972, it was the Philippines who garnered the three-goal advantage (4-1).

Nepal
Azkals’ all-time record: 0-0-1 (W/D/L)

The Gorkhalis, managed by Englishman Graham Roberts, will try to make a winning series out of their one and only meeting with the Philippines, if they end up against each other after the draw. Their only match dates back to 2 February 1982 – almost three decades next year – wherein the Nepalese scored a goal to defeat the Azkals.

They have been champions before, taking first place in the 1984 and 1993 South Asian Games. Since then, they have received a beating from the South Koreans when the latter bombarded them with 16 goals while keeping them scoreless in 2003.

Their last 5 games are encouraging though: 4 wins and a draw. Note though, that 3 of those wins were courtesy of Bhutan. Yes, the same team who once gave up 20 goals to their opponent.

Pakistan
Azkals’ all-time record: 0-0-0 (W/D/L)

An interesting piece of trivia is that despite being one of the founding members of the Asian Football Confederation in 1954, Pakistan (the “green and white team”) have never managed to encounter the Philippines in a single match. One reason for this could be due to the fact that football itself has been relegated to the background in Pakistan (behind cricket) all these years. They say corruption and poor management were major causes of its sad state. Now, doesn’t this sound eerily familiar?

The new management in 2003 is credited for turning things around for Pakistani football. Since then, a Pakistani Premier League, a National Championship for Women, as well as an Inter-City Super Football League have been established to help promote the sport.

Judging from their last 5 games, though, it appears a lot still has to be done. It defeated Chinese Taipei and Bhutan; drew with Bangladesh; and lost to both India and Turkmenistan.

Laos
Azkals’ all-time record: 0-2-6 (W/D/L)

Not surprisingly, the Philippines’ Southeast Asian neighbors have proven themselves to be their foremost rivals in international competitions.

The “Thim Xad” (national team) of Laos are one of them. The former French colony have never entered the World Cup, Asian Cup or Asian Games; choosing to limit themselves to regional tournaments like the SEA Games and the Tiger Cup. They did, however, manage to reach the second round of the 2006 WC Qualifiers when both Guam and Nepal withdrew from the competition. They went on to lose all their games. That said, they have managed to defeat more established counterparts in the region like Brunei, Cambodia, Myanmar, Singapore and Malaysia. Their current roster mostly come from local clubs, while a few are playing for clubs based in Thailand.

If the Azkals are drawn against them, Laos will almost certainly have the mental edge between the two. Why? In all 8 games they have played against each other, not once have the Azkals defeated Laos. They managed to secure 2 ties, sure - one in 2001 and the other just last year. But never a victory. Somehow a “W” continues to elude the team to this very day.

Myanmar
Azkals' all-time record: 0-3-8 (W/D/L)

Curiously known as the White Angels, the Myanmar national football team continues to repulse any attempt by the Azkals to finally seal a win after nearly 40 years of playing against one another.

Perhaps it is in defense of their glorious past, which saw them dominate regional football in the 60s and 70s. Myanmar won the Asian Games twice (1966 and 1970), while claiming the gold in 5 consecutive SEA games (1965, '67, '69, '71 and '73). They also placed second during the 1968 Asian Cup.

Present day, however, has not been as kind to the team. They last figured prominently in the SEA Games in 1993, when they bagged second place. In 2007, they attempted to qualify for the 2010 World Cup but lost in the first round to China, 0-7 and 0-4.

Their last 5 games don't tell it any differently. They absorbed losses to Singapore, Bangadesh and Palestine. Meanwhile, they kept the Azkals at bay by salvaging 2 draws.

As in the case of Laos, Myanmar will have an advantage in the mental game, by default, if lady fate decides to put them back on the pitch against the Azkals. They will most certainly have that edge, knowing their opposition have never beaten them before. For the Azkals, they can probably look to the fact that their last 3 games against this team have all been draws. Prior to these, it was one defeat after another. Maybe the next game will finally bring a win.

Cambodia
Azkals’ all-time record: 2-3-3 (W/D/L)

The Krom Chumreswcheit (“national team”, in Khmer) of Cambodia don’t differ that much from its landlocked neighbors. They are just as tough to beat, from the Azkals’ vantage point.

Though less storied is their history, Cambodia are a team that have had its shining moments in the past. For instance, in 1972, it actually placed 4th in the Asian Cup. In 2007, while attempting to qualify for the 2010 World Cup, they were drawn against Turkmenistan which completely dominated them in the 2 games they played. That matchup ended with 0-1 and 1-4 score tallies in favor of Turkmenistan.

Just recently, Cambodia bowed out of the Challenge Cup Qualifiers after they finished last in Group C, which also featured Kyrgyzstan, Maldives and Tajikistan. The latter two survived the round. Their most recent 5 games have all been losses, except for one (against Macau).

Despite their miserable streak of late, though, Cambodia will expectedly welcome a challenge from the Azkals considering their winning record over the latter. Naturally, they will be more wary than usual, as the last 3 times the 2 teams met resulted in 2 wins for the Azkals, and a single draw.

Chinese Taipei
Azkals' all-time record: 0-2-3 (W/D/L)

Chinese Taipei is the first of 3 teams currently ranked higher than the Azkals by FIFA. Their head-to-head record speak for itself. The Philippines have been unable to defeat this team since they first battled it out in 1954.

The best finish for a Chinese Taipei team was in 1960 when they bagged third place in the Asian Cup. They followed that up with a respectable fourth place finish in the same competition in 1968. Against weaker teams, they are quick to take advantage, as shown by their demolition of Guam in 2007, unleashing 10 goals in all. They are, however, not impregnable and are prone to huge lapses themselves. Just a year before (2006), they were the ones on the losing end of a similar score, against Kuwait.

Currently, Chinese Taipei are on a low note after incurring 3 losses out of their last 5 games. Their other 2 games were both against Laos. One ended with a win, the other in a loss.

If they are matched with the Azkals, look for Chinese Taipei to take advantage of their well-documented mastery of the Philippines. All their games have ended either in a draw or a loss for the Azkals. Meanwhile, one can expect the Philippines to keep things in perspective. They may not have beaten this team before, but as in the case of Myanmar, they seem to be nearing a turning point. Both their games last year ended in even scores.

Vietnam
Azkals' all-time record: 1-1-8 (W/D/L)

Hailed as champions during the 2008 AFF Suzuki Cup, Vietnam are that other team eager to exact revenge upon the Azkals.

The team are of considerable caliber these recent years. During the 2008 tournament, they managed to outlast then-defending champions Singapore (1-0) and perennial favorite Thailand, with a 3-2 aggregate win in the finals. A year earlier, they reached the quarterfinals of the Asian Cup before being defeated by Iraq. They were the only Southeast Asian team to reach that level.

As far as their World Cup aspirations go, Vietnam have gone on to participate in WC Qualifiers since 1994. This doesn't include yet the 1974 qualification matches played by then South Vietnam.

Last year's humiliating defeat to the Azkals in the Suzuki Cup clearly dealt a devastating blow to Vietnam's title defense. It wiped clean whatever momentum they had gathered in their earlier 7-1 thrashing of Myanmar. They eventually surrendered to Malaysia in the semi-finals.

If they manage to have the Philippines as their opponent for the Qualifiers, it's likely that they won't be disappointed with that eventuality. After all, even with last year's surprise defeat, they can still claim to have the Philippines' number, given their previous 8 wins over the Azkals. these past 50 years.

Malaysia
Azkals' all-time record: 1-1-11 (W/D/L)

The Malayan Tigers are the reigning AFF Suzuki Cup Champions, after defeating title-favorite, Indonesia, in the finals last year. This is only the first of many reasons why the Azkals would prefer not to go head-to-head with this bemedaled team.

Malaysia has twice qualified for the Olympics. The first time was in 1972 (when it defeated the Philippines along the way), while the second was in 1980. They have also finished third twice (1962 and 1974) in the Asian Games. Finally, they were crowned SEA Games champions in 1977 and 1989.

Before last year, their best finish in the regional cup was in 2004 (It was called Tiger Cup then) when they took the bronze.

What makes this team specially intimidating for the Azkals, however, is the fact that they have been particularly vicious (playing almost perfectly) whenever they play a game against the Philippines. The 2 teams have battled in a total of 13 games since 1962. In winning 10 of these, the Tigers have waylaid the Azkals by scoring a whopping 62 goals! In one game, they handed the Philippines an embarrassing 15-1 loss. In another, it was an 11-0 laugher. How many goals did the Azkals manage to score, all in all? 3.

The last time these 2 teams met was in 2007. While the Azkals still managed to qualify for the 2010 Suzuki Cup, the Malaysians won that game 4-0. The only time the Philippines defeated this team was in 1991. That game ended 1-0, and was played in Manila.

The Tigers are currently under the leadership of K. Rajagopal, who uses the same players from Malaysia's U-23 team for the national (seniors) team, with the infusion of veterans like Safee Sali and Mohd Norhafiz Zamani Misbah. For this year's WC Qualifiers, it is reported that they have called up Brendan Gan, a Malaysian-Australian currently playing for Sydney FC, to boost their roster.

-------------------------

So there. Whatever happens tomorrow, it's most likely another uphill climb for the Azkals. Hopefully, they've already gotten used to it, for if they do progress to the following grounds, it'll be mountains that they'll need to overcome.

Azkals Try to Change History Anew

2011-03-29T09:59:00.005+08:00

The Azkals will attempt to rewrite history. Again.

Tomorrow, March 30, the Philippines will formally begin their bid to qualify for the 2014 World Cup to be held in Brazil. By day’s end, the Azkals will have known who they’ll have to go through first in a two-game, home-and-away matchup scheduled for June 29 and July 3 this year.

The good news is that, on paper, only three teams appear to be in better shape than the Azkals. Among the fifteen they could potentially face, only 3 currently occupy higher FIFA rankings. They are Vietnam (134), Malaysia (145) and Chinese Taipei (147). The Philippines are currently ranked at 151. The bad news is that their all-time record against the remaining twelve isn’t exactly encouraging. It’s a dismal 10 wins out of the 43 games they’ve played against each other.

And it doesn’t end there.

The Philippines have never won a game against seven of the teams in the group – Afghanistan, Cambodia, Nepal, Palestine, Chinese Taipei, Myanmar and Laos. (Surprisingly, they haven’t played a single game against Pakistan.) And the only winning record (4-0) they have is against lowly Timor Leste, whose highest achievement in international competition has been to force a draw with Cambodia in 2008. (Yes, they have lost all their other matches.)

The Azkals’ apparent dominance over Timor Leste’s Rising Suns (O Sol Nascente) is by no means a surprise. Two of their biggest wins in recent competition have been at latter’s expense – a 7-0 drubbing in 2006, and a 5-0 winner just last year.

Any comfort that provides, however, is tempered by the fact that the Philippines have suffered far worse defeats at the hands of groupmates Malaysia and Chinese Taipei. The Malayan Tigers (2010 AFF Suzuki Cup champions) have repeatedly mauled the Azkals in the past, having won 15-1 over them in 1962, and 11-0 in 1974. Chinese Taipei, meanwhile, scored 9 goals over the team in 1967, while preventing them from earning a single point.

Indeed, with such overwhelming odds stacked against them - at the very first level of eliminations, of all places - the Azkals are in for one major duel come the June-July junction.

Fortunately, there is nothing unfamiliar in all these for the team. They have been in this predicament before, where very few people (Filipinos, aside) will actually be expecting them to move on to the next qualifying round.

Also, while history does not appear to be on their side, more recent history, however, seems to smile upon the Azkals just a little bit better. Of their 12 wins against their group peers, 10 have come just this new millennium (2004-2011). Statistically, that’s roughly 80% of their total victories.

This recent entry into the 2012 AFC Challenge Cup helps a lot to affirm that theory.

All these are truly cause for pause. Maybe – just maybe - there really is something to this idea of Philippine football finally turning that proverbial page of its humble history.

Would that be enough assurance for the team to qualify for the second round of the WC eliminations? Perhaps. Would the current management’s hope of fielding its dream team this June boost their chances? Perhaps, that too would be a big lift. Would the continuing influx of fan support provide the team with the all-too-important twelfth man as they continue to step on the pitch for flag and country? Every Filipino would certainly be hoping so.

In July, all these questions will finally be answered. Tomorrow, the name of them who stand in the Azkals’ way will have to suffice.

Annual annoyance fee

2011-03-28T11:02:00.007+08:00

Today, I'm going to let Metrobank know that I'm not buying into their latest ploy to steal money from their customers. I'm gonna have my credit card killed.

Last December, I got my credit card bill (which was odd, since I wasn't able to use it the whole year) and saw that I was being asked to pay P2,000.00 for my annual fee. I found this disturbing since it had just been a year since I got the card and their policies clearly say that the said fee for the first year is FREE.

My sister called them up regarding her fee and they waived it. I believe she didn't have to do that, since it's already there written in their papers. I fail to see why they should be told to do something they already promised they'd do.

Anyway, it was my turn. We were already in the province and I wasn't sure how to call their toll-free number, so I just emailed them my request.

A week later, I received their reply and was incensed by their "explanation." Apparently, the amount they were collecting from me was not for the first year, but for the second year! Sort of like an advance, if you will. To me, it was BS, plain and simple.

As I've come to know about these fees, banks collect them from you by year's end if you haven't been using your card, or even if you have, your purchases did not reach the "quota" they have set for each of their clients. The hassle involved in this system is brought by the fact that they will still ask from you the amount at the end of the year - even if you've used your card AND reached such "quota" - UNLESS you call them up and ask for the waiver of the fee. Unbelievable, right?

Anyway, back to my story, here's Metrobank telling me that they are now collecting the fee not at the END of the year, but at the BEGINNING, instead.

It simply doesn't make sense to me, unless you view it from a purely greed-fueled perspective.

I'm aware that very few people actually bother calling banks up to instruct them to waive their annual fees at the end of the year. This fact alone ensures that these institutions get to take in all this money which people don't really owe them. My father's supposedly one of those who just pays his bills, without bothering to see if they're valid.

Given this new scheme, it's even worse. By the time you send them your request for the fee's waiver, they've already had your money for one entire year. That is, IF you request for the waiver. Also, it makes the first year waiver completely irrelevant! How would you even feel the benefit of such waiver if after the first year, you're still going to be asked to pay for the fee?

Ridiculous.

But here's the part where it really it goes off the charts: When I call customer service and ask why they waived my sister's fee, their rep tells me that they would do the same for me IF within the next two weeks I use my card for a minimum purchase amount of P4,000! Of course, this prompted me to ask why there was a condition on my part, while no such prerequisite was imposed on my sister. Her reply? They make different "offers" to different clients. In the case of my sister, their "offer" was to waive her entire annual fee, no questions asked. In my case, spend P4,000 first so I don't have to pay the P2,000 fee.

Fabulous.

I want to use a different F-word, but that's what I'll just say.

UPDATE:

Just as I expected. Upon informing them of my intention to cancel my card, they tell me to ignore my bill since my waiver request had SUPPOSEDLY just been recently (March 14) approved - two days after the issuance of my bill (March 11).

Of course, I didn't buy their excuse. Their positive action came only after asking me first if I'll reconsider my decision should my annual fee be waived.

Sadly, this is how it is done.

My mother's friend makes it a "ritual" to call all her banks every December to tell them she's canceling her card. And ALL of them volunteer to waive her annual fees - quotas be damned - just so they can retain her as a customer.

Until we have a better banking regulation system in place, I would advise that you all adopt the same strategy, if you truly value your hard-earned cash.

My life on a list

2011-03-27T17:39:00.003+08:00

Several years ago - around a decade, perhaps - I did something that people say we try in order to keep our lives on track. I took out a piece of paper and wrote down the things I hope to do before I die. My grand to-do list.

Just recently, I found the document while trying to clean out my closet amid the clutter I was sorting out. It appears that while had intended to come up with 30 things for the list, I only managed to write down 23.

~~1. Have my own laptop computer~~
2. P50M in the bank before 40
3. Make my own comics series
4. Make a webpage (award-winning!)
~~5. Illustrate for a book (alone)~~
6. Be part of the Philippine Collegian
7. Have a happy, long married life with four kids
8. Be able to drive anywhere.
9. Drive from Manila to Naga
~~10. Enter the UP College of Law~~
~~11. Finish law on time.~~
12. Top the bar (top 3)
13. Organize a charity organization
14. Own a company with friends
15. Open up a bar with friends
16. Perform live (again!) in a band
17. Design my own house
~~18. Buy a drawing table~~
19. Win a drawing/painting/art contest
20. Make an Ad Poster for a major company
~~21. Buy my own electric guitar~~
22. Learn how to cook my own meals
23. Weigh 140 lbs. before 25

From the looks of it, the list is a mixture of sorts. Some are highly achievable. Some are more complicated than others. While a few are unlikely to happen at all.

I have already crossed out the ones that I've already done or secured.

Apart from the weight ambition, another wish that's past its deadline is my topping the bar. My father did, and so did my sister. As for myself, the only noteworthy thing about my bar story is that I garnered enough points to pass the exams, irrespective of the Supreme Court's adjustments. Just 2 more points, and maybe I would've cracked the top 10. But that's that.

There are also some items I could say I've partially accomplished. For instance, I've already illustrated a couple of comics. It's just that they weren't mine and were more of the advocacy type instead of the commercial variety. I've also performed live again, but it was for a small crowd and there were just three of us (1 vocalist and 2 guitars). It was at this fund-raising gig for the movement opposing the activation of the Bataan Nuclear Power Plant. I've had some ad designs appear on national dailies, too. But like most that I've accomplished so far, they were also for a cause and the entity that commissioned me was a certain NGO, and not some big time company.

Looking at the list again after all these years gives me this eerie feeling. It's like being able to talk with myself (only that he's a decade younger). And this fella is pointing out to me how a lot of things still remain unrealized. Things I was certain I wanted for myself at that time - and to some extent, I still do today.

The realization, in turn, gives this jolt of urgency that, I hope, can speed up my efforts in finally overcoming this slump I've been in for, like, forever.

How about you? What's your list like?

Sir G

2011-03-27T01:51:00.003+08:00

Sir G stands for Sir Garalde.

He was my professor at the UP College of Fine Arts for two straight school years. Yes, that amounts to four (4) major subjects, namely: Techniques I and II, and Photography I and II.

To say that the man is an institution within an institution would be an understatement.

What I will remember him most for, though, was our very first encounter which occurred during my batch's TDT (talent determination test). He kind of berated me for taking pictures of our test room, thinking that I was going to use the camera to get a better look of the statue we were going to draw. By that time, I already had two degrees under my belt and the title "lawyer" to live by. And yet there I was being scolded like a little kid who was caught cheating.

I don't think he remembers that episode now. And maybe that's a good thing.

New art

2011-03-26T23:03:00.002+08:00

For my latest artworks, check these out:

Angel of Mine
Climate Change at ang Pangisdaan

I'm gonna give this another go

2011-03-26T22:19:00.000+08:00

I've decided to bring this blog back to life. I'm going to dedicate my other blog exclusively to all my artistic forays - photography, illustrations, graphic design, layouts and other whatnots.

I feel I need to do this in order to put my life into a proper perspective. It's tough to balance things up. And one way to go around the dilemma is to arrange things so that the balancing part becomes less of a necessity.

This is me rearranging my affairs. First, in my online life, then it's on to my real life.

A Bigger Challenge than the Challenge Cup

2011-03-20T15:37:00.000+08:00

The Philippines' Men's National Football Team, the Azkals, currently find themselves at a very critical junction of their entry into pinoy mainstream consciousness. How they fare in their next following games will most likely determine if they have indeed given football that much-needed push to finally bring it over the edge of mediocre existence it has -- up until today --- suffered in this basketball-crazy nation.

To be sure, since the team's victory over regional powerhouse Vietnam in last year's Suzuki Cup, a lot of good has already graced the humble abode of Philippine football. Funding support from both local and international sources have been pouring in like crazy. Half-blooded Filipinos playing in various foreign professional leagues have been flying in from all over, hoping to don the "Azkal" moniker themselves. Most importantly, the team has been turning heads right here in the country, and has made a compelling argument for the promotion of the sport, given its more realistic promise of international success - as opposed to basketball.

That said, there is still so much more to be done before it can finally be said that the so-called beautiful game has finally arrived in the Philippines, and is here to stay.

For one, there has yet to be established a strong and reliable national grassroots program that would ensure a bright future for the sport. It's a crucial undertaking if the country is serious about its World Cup aspirations (another offshoot of the Azkals' recent success). A fully-functional professional league must also be thrown into the mix, in order to provide promising young athletes a venue wherein they can pursue the sport as an actual career. After all, what good would come from having our kids take interest in the sport, without providing them the option of considering it later as a serious profession? Continuity, as always, will be indispensable. A local league would also go a long way in tempering the team's dependence on Fil-foreigners playing abroad, who have been the main source of talent and experience for the team today, but at the expense of chemistry and teamwork.

To accomplish these, a lot of leaders and moneymakers would have to be convinced. Enough for them to shell out resources - the government's or that of private entities - in order to ensure that everything that needs to be done actually gets done.

Today, it's hard to tell if the national team will be able to sustain public interest, and for how long. It's a good sign that they've been able to captivate the heart of the nation, without needing to win every single game they play. Very few actually seem to mind that, after defeating Vietnam last year until this writing, they've actually been able to secure a "W" only once. That was the 2-0 drubbing of Mongolia in Bacolod last February 9. Before that, they drew with Myanmar, lost twice to Indonesia (resulting in their elimination from the Suzuki Cup) and then just recently suffered a 2-1 setback in the second leg of their duel with Mongolia for the ongoing AFC Challenge Cup Qualifiers. That's one win out of five games - a mediocre record, at best, by any standard. Their friendlies with different clubs (local and school-based) haven't been all that spectacular either.

That the team still enjoys the attention and support of its fans is a remarkable testament to their popularity. It's hard to imagine a national basketball team or a professional boxer like Manny Pacquiao doing the same, once they begin losing - not just one, but two more more games (and fights) in a row.

The limit though is bound to reveal itself at some point. Anyone who knows his stuff will not deny that winning is the only surefire assurance of a continued influx of fans and popular support. And it is precisely with this fact that the Azkals would still have to find it in themselves to win as often they can, if - as they proudly admit - they really aim to make football relevant not only in Philippine sports but in contemporary pinoy pop culture.

If the Azkals fail, this period could very well be just a minor footnote when Filipinos, years from now, look back at the annals of their country's history. Much like the time of the brick game phenomenon, or the macarena dance craze. But, if they succeed, they might as well enjoy their time now at the pedestal, for they may very well be staying there for good.

Waiting that's not for the Weak

2011-03-18T12:17:00.000+08:00

There is that type of waiting that's not for the faint of heart.

The agony of counting down the time before the release of the bar exams results is exactly of that type.

It doesn't seem all that long ago when it was my turn to deal with frayed nerves and recurring panic attacks.

It was March 2008 and the results for the 2007 bar exams was to be released. I was unemployed back then, with my opting not to apply to any law office (the "in" thing for any fresh law graduate) while waiting for the announcement. I thought to myself, why suffer additional burden by choosing to be in an environment where everyone looks at you and treats you like a lawyer, without actually being one (yet)? What do you do if you don't pass - walk away in shame and with a deflated sense of self?

That prospect did not sit well with me.

What made my anxiety episode even more excruciating was that it was actually extended by an entire day (and then some). A declaration had been made that the results would come out on a Thursday. However, as the day came to an end, word got out that deliberations were taking more time given the very low passing rate. Everyone was told that any announcement would have to wait until the following day.

The horror that gave I cannot hope to describe here.

The next day came with me deciding to go out and simply wait for news from my sister. She was the bar operations head of another law school, and was out with her team monitoring the situation through sources from within the High Court. She would be the one to inform me. Meanwhile, I thought of catching a movie, and not returning until I've gotten any news - good or bad.

It seemed like a good plan at that time. It didn't work.

By lunchtime, I was at the mall trying to muster enough appetite to finish my meal. My sister had sent me a message that the top 10 had been released. I was certain that the list of passers wasn't that far behind. But the minutes came flying by, with no further word from my sister. I labored to stifle my panic. Surely, the results must have gotten out already. And since no one was calling or sending me any message, that could have only meant bad news.

I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't going to enjoy any movie out there. I decided to return home.

No news yet, my mother told me. Any temporary comfort that piece of information gave soon dissipated when my departed friend, Ronald, called me up just to ask if the results had come out. I was so upset I told him not to do it again. I explained to him that every phone call or message at that time jarred me to no end. Every single time I was expecting to hear the news that I passed. To get a question instead was insufferable. He apologized, and I truly felt sorry I jumped on him like that.

Minutes became an hour. An hour became two. Then it was my blockmates Mia and Joy's turn to rattle me. They sent me messages just to confirm that no news had reached them either. I was more accommodating that time, since I knew they were just as anxious as I was.

I lay in my bed, restless. I muttered prayers and cursed at the same time. It was already 3pm, a day longer than the original schedule for the announcement. I was drained of energy and could barely stand on my feet. I so badly wanted the ordeal to be over. I cared no more if I passed or failed the exams. I wanted to move on. Whether it was elation or frustration, I thought it was better to proceed with those type of emotions already, rather than be kept in a perpetual state of uncertainty.

And then my phone rang.

It was a little past 4pm and it was my friend and blockmate, Ben, who was on the other end. I snatched the phone from under my pillow

"O ano... gusto mo bang malaman kung pasado ka?"

Tired and exasperated, I could only make out a exhausted reply: "Nge! Ano ba? Anong klaseng tanong yan?"

"Pasado ka! Pasado ka! Hehe"

And just like that, the world fell from my back and I could breathe freely again. I managed a smile and shed tears for release. Ben and I shared a few more words but they all got drowned in the euphoric sensation I was feeling all over. I fail to recall now what they even were.

I rushed to my mother's side who was in the opposite room with my little sister. I told them the news and she went on to cry with me.

Any kind of waiting is hard to endure, I suppose. It's a unique experience of having to delay having something we feel should be available to us almost immediately. But as is often the case, it makes us appreciate more that which we wait for. It becomes just that much more important.

To those who wait, I say, be strong. And wait. You will have your moment.

Affirmation

2011-03-06T02:04:00.000+08:00

First of all, thank you Sir Te(d). For finding it worth recommending to others. And then, for all the other extra "descriptions."

I hope I get to add "great" - even "good" will do - to the lawyer and artist tags in the future. I just haven't been given the opportunity yet.

The article was something I knew and felt I had to write. I only got to watch UP's last three games, but I already felt this connection with the team and their efforts.

Has it something to do with the Azkals fever that's gotten the entire country into a frenzy? Probably. Has it something to do with my frustration with not being able to see a UP championship team in UAAP basketball - after all these years (I'm in my 3rd course in the school, for chrissakes)? There's that possibility, too.

Anyway, I'm glad a former professor (and now, colleague in the profession) liked it. I'm happy Mica here liked it, too.

More than any money one might get out of doing the things he/she likes, it's one's work being appreciated that really makes it all worth it.

I sincerely hope this gets me out of this funk I've been in recently.

A good day. That's what it is.

UP: Up and a Win

2011-03-02T11:42:00.001+08:00

When the final whistle came, Gerardo “Jinggoy” Valmayor turned to the predominantly UP crowd with both hands raised in triumph.

With the scorecard reading 2-1, he knew his last goal for the 73rd UAAP Football Tournament made all the difference between a well-deserved championship and what could have been an unpredictable rubber match against a determined and highly capable UST team.

For the moment, the prized rookie could afford a weary smile. The champion’s trophy is once again in Maroon hands – UP’s second in three years.

From the sidelines, Jay Eusebio rushed to the center of the pitch to join in on the celebration.

It was a bittersweet moment for the crafty midfielder. Having figured significantly in the Maroon’s redemption campaign, he had every right to stake his claim on the final victory. Unfortunately, he had to sit the game out due to a collarbone injury he suffered the last time the two teams met.

A True Test of Mettle

The game itself lived up to people’s expectations. Rough and ugly by most standards, the outcome was not determined until the very last minute. Despite the Diliman eleven enjoying a twice-to-beat advantage, both teams actually had a reputation to protect. The UST booters were the more prolific scorers, with twenty goals tucked under their belt. Meanwhile, UP prided itself with its suffocating defense, having surrendered only two goals all throughout the elimination round. Plus, they had Valmayor, arguably (and who proved to be) the best striker of the tournament.

Come game time, UST was quick to draw and seemed to take up right where it left off from its last challenge. It was against Ateneo and it featured a cringe-worthy 5-0 tally.

Unfortunately for the Tigers, their Maroon counterparts were more than capable of stepping up to the challenge. They were not at all easy to outmaneuver unlike their Katipunan neighbors. What with the towering (yet agile) presence of their defensive back four led by Deo Segunial.

Pretty soon the booters from España found themselves desperately trying to fend off UP's dangerous counterattacks masterfully orchestrated by the wily Stephen Permanes. For several possessions, no UST player seemed capable of keeping up with the elusive UP forward.

It proved to be an omen of things to come.

With time winding down for the first half, UP was first to draw blood. With Permanes having worked his magic again through UST's left flank, the ball soon found its way to Valmayor who, in turn, deftly passed it to a streaking Ayi Nii Aryee.

The distance involved made a goal attempt far more difficult than usual, but it did not matter for the former Ghanan U-16 star. Long balls were his specialty and it showed. Off the quick pass, Nii made short work of the opportunity and hammered the ball past UST's keeper.

1-0. UP in the lead.

By halftime, it was clear who was the more aggressive bunch. UP had 7 goal attempts compared to UST's 3.

A couple of substitutions marked UST's second half campaign. Coach Marjo Allado had to dig deep into his bag of tricks to try to quell the UP onslaught and force a game 2. If there ever was a proper time for taking risks, this was it. They had to win it or go home.

For a brief period, the changes seemed to pay off. Anto Gonzales, head coach for UP, could be seen barking orders to his charges to cope with the rejuvenated Tigers' offense. He knew the Maroons could not afford to let UST - with its notable pool of scorers - back into the game.

Sealing the Deal

UP soon had its insurance goal.

Not surprisingly, it would be Permanes yet again who would be the initiator. And Valmayor would be the recipient of another well-placed high pass. This time though, he was able to free enough maneuvering space in order to make the goal attempt himself, through brilliant split-second strategizing.

With a flying UST keeper in Ramon Borigas headed his way, Valmayor tersely stopped the ball and waited for Borigas to dive past him. Once in the clear, he struck the ball with such force that all that one of the two UST defenders left guarding the net could do was slightly change the ball’s trajectory to the right.

It would not matter. The ball kissed the net and it was 2-0 in favor of UP.

Valmayor ran back on to the welcoming arms of maestro Permanes, and the two were soon buried under a pile of relieved teammates. On the side, a boisterous crowd, which included a large number of UP football alumni, rejoiced. The game was looking more like the last UP-UST match, which ended with a similar score.

End Game

To the credit of UST, the team would make sure that that did not happen. The Tigers looked beaten, but in no way defeated.

The remainder of the second half would see them try to claw their way back, with a furious end-game rally.

Some would say they almost succeeded. Courtesy of a penalty shot from striker Ojay Clariño, the España booters climbed back and successfully spoiled any premature UP victory party.

With a lone goal separating the two teams, the Diliman crowd nervously counted down the minutes and waited for the referee to signal the end of the match. A collective groan could be heard when it was announced that five minutes were going to be added as stoppage time. Meanwhile, the UST minority in the audience, with their noticeably louder drum contingent, tried their best to egg on their troops for one last assault to the UP side.

The two groups’ attitudes surprisingly complemented each other. Together, they shared a common belief: a come-from-behind UST win was still a very real possibility.

The game, as it unfolded, completely affirmed the crowd’s mentality. Down to the last second, the Tigers came at the Diliman team, with calculated desperation. Quick attack sorties came right after the other and seemed to finally rattle the UP defense with varying degrees of success. Even the usually durable Valmayor appeared ready to concede, as he clutched his right ribcage in an apparent display of discomfort and fatigue.

But then finally, it came.

A Triumphant Return

The much-awaited end to the match and to the entire tournament arrived. It was, for lack of a better term, truly game over. And no two displays of emotion could be more contradictory than those witnessed in the pitch. Ecstatic elation on the part of the victors, and a devastating feeling of defeat for the fallen.

For Valmayor, it was a most successful debut in a UAAP seniors’ tournament, which saw him taking home not only the championship but also the “Best Striker” and “Rookie of the Year” honors at the awarding ceremony that followed.

His teammates Permanes and Segunial also shared in the accolades, with the “Most Valuable Player” and “Best Defender” awards respectively.

Whether they will still find themselves playing alongside each other for next season is anyone’s guess. For now, they are allowed to bask in the glow of a triumphant football campaign, shared in the presence of teammates and coaches they have come to appreciate as brothers.

UST, meanwhile, still has cause for celebration. It is, after all, their 400th year – a remarkable feat on its own.

It just so happens that this year, as far as football goes, belongs to UP.

What Happened

2011-02-13T00:27:00.000+08:00

There was this brief period in college when I thought I knew for sure what I wanted to do after school and for the rest of my life. I had just overcome my adjustment phase then, and I was yet to become busy with the many extra-curricular activities that would characterize my late college years.

I thought, for sure, I would go back to my hometown in Naga City. I would find some job I would really love and I would be surrounded by the people I know and care about. What this job was to be, I hadn't quite figured out yet. It didn't seem to matter that much. I was more concerned with the absence of the fast-paced and stress-inducing lifestyle a big city like Manila possesses. I was more interested in the lower crime rate and the small-town vibe I was certain I wanted to have.

At some point, my confidence waned and I came to find myself directionless once more, and without a clue as to what I really want this life of mine to turn out to be. I'm not sure why this happened - or what happened that led to this, for that matter.

It's all gone now.

Lock, Load, Release

2011-02-03T22:01:00.000+08:00

It's been four months since I last reported to an office for work. Since then, I've spent most of my time, making up for lost time in the other areas of my life. School. Family. Friends. That and building up a case against my former bosses whom I consider to be among the rotten eggs of the advocacy world.

I've had the good fortune of securing some small projects along the way which kept me from depleting my savings too much. But they've only been partly successful. Little by little, I find myself dipping into what I had hoped would be the foundation of whatever small fortune I can amass in order to lead a simple but comfortable life, together with family both present and future.

Regrets I can ill-afford, but I admit I have quite a few of them. I know one ought to look (always) on the brighter side of things, especially if you're of the type that tends to get depressed easily (which I think I am). But isn't it also true that you just can't keep putting up a face that doesn't truly say what you feel inside?

For this reason, I take this opportunity to say that I regret having spent time fighting for an advocacy, with the people I used to work with. I wouldn't say I'd rather take back all the time and effort I put in. I did get to meet some decent people along the way. Our paths probably wouldn't have crossed had it not for my unsuccessful run in the advocacy I now rise from. I would say though that I'd be willing to take some of them back and direct them to other more worthy endeavors.

To THE ex-boss, you have to look in the mirror and accept that you are not who you claim you are. Your ability to advocate is severely limited by your ability to be honest. You are no leader. You lie about so many things and to so many people. But you lie to yourself the most. Until you realize that, you will never amount to anything deserving of people's respect and admiration. One piece of advice: admit you're in it for the money.

To the other lawyer in the mix, you are truly a major disappointment. You disappoint us who had hoped you would serve as an ideal model for a good lawyer in advocacy work. You do not deserve the reputation I once heard about you. You are in it for the money, too. I have come to accept that you will never be the mentor I once thought you could be. Maybe I can even teach you a thing or two about integrity and public service. Stop accepting money you don't deserve.

To the revolutionary-wannabe, I hope you stop pretending, as well. Or at least, I pray that everyone else see through your hypocrisy. You are lazy, dishonest and not even competent at any of the work assigned to you. You say you hate capitalism, but you worship and embrace it with all your black heart when nobody's looking. Sometimes, even when someone is. One day, people will look at you and they will look past you. You are nothing more than a mistake nobody is willing to make.

I reserve my thoughts about the rest for myself.

In the end, I recognize that I have myself to blame also for some of the circumstances I find myself in right now. I am fully aware of that. And I have been kicking myself forever for it.

That's why there are second chances, I suppose. Because the first ones are never quite the good things we want them to be.

Four months from now I will be working somewhere. And there I promise to be good, and efficient, and honest. Most of all, I promise to myself I will be happy.

Silence

2011-02-01T18:19:00.000+08:00

Oh my. I have lost my focus yet again. My head is spinning wildly and I feel like choking on uncertainty and helplessness. I need to sit down somewhere peaceful and think without fear of worries. Just for a moment, please.

Week(too)long

2011-01-21T02:08:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is the end of the week. Sort of. The work week, at least. For those of you who work, at least.

How did my week go?

Last Monday, I went to submit application documents to this government agency I'm trying to get into. It turns out I have to do more research on my past accomplishments/activities in order to qualify for the positions available. For an institution that's not really known for its "quality" lawyers today, it sure is quite strict in rummaging through its applicants' records. Anyway, I will need to secure some certificates from a few people in order to beef up my resume. Hopefully, after I do that, I get to qualify for some job I would actually like.

Tuesday was uneventful. I went to class late. And that was it. Oh, I jogged my usual 3 rounds.

Wednesday - that's yesterday - I went on to try studio photography with the help of Prof. Garalde of the UP College of Fine Arts. Classmate Madge was my model, together with a couple of watches and a bunch of strawberries I snatched up from the UP Shopping Center. (I'm excited to get my photos tomorrow!) All I can say is that it's not that easy - posing for or taking shots yourself. It's quite expensive, too, this film photography gig.

Today, it was back to the drawing board. Literally. We had a man pose for our figure drawing class. It was charcoal and chalk pastels all over again.

Tomorrow, it's just work for me. Not the paying kind (although one could argue that it could come to that, if I'm lucky). Maybe a quick run, if my body's up to it. I've had body aches since yesterday, you see.

----------------------------

Underneath it all, I'm more tired than I look.

8.8

2011-01-15T15:11:00.000+08:00

It was a feat regardless of how enormous (or not) it was. The other day I was able to overcome 4 complete rounds at the UP Diliman acad oval. What's more, I think I could have run until I made the 10k mark which is what I will be attempting to do come the Condura Run this Feb.

Today, I indulged in a simple leisure walk (just 2 rounds) in preparation for tomorrow's run. I'm still deciding whether take another stab at the four-round target. Maybe just 3. I am told that we shouldn't really be running long distances on a regular basis lest we want to have our legs overcome with fatigue

Other than that, what else is new? Let me get back to you on that. Some time today.

On the Run Again, Are We?

2011-01-12T09:39:00.000+08:00

I'm running again. Literally, I mean.

When I returned to Naga last December for the much-needed holiday break, I decided to bring with me my running gear which had been gathering dust since early last year. Back then I was a certified running freak, averaging around 3 running sorties a week. That was before work took over and running for fitness and peace of mind was a priority.

It was my 8th run yesterday and I feel good about it. I'm back to hurdling 6.6km on a regular basis and I hope I elevate my distance to 8.8 in the next one.

This activity has, so far, been my most successful venture into the world of physical fitness. I suppose it appeals to me in that it enables me to go back to my childhood, when I would walk home from school and have all this music playing in my head --- like a soundtrack. Life would be like a movie, and I'm the protagonist. For a couple of minutes, I could completely block off everything else and clear my mind from all the clutter that have accumulated from all these years of overthinking.

I hope this time around I am able to sustain it. Work or no work. School or no school. Wherever I am. It's been said that we ought not let exercise depend on whether we have time for it. Rather, we have to make time for it.

What do you say? Come, run away with me.

Get Real, Chavit. Gedemmit.

2011-01-03T03:42:00.000+08:00

Governor Chavit Singson is pissed that some members of Congress are making statements regarding the possible ouster of his son as lawmaker given his expected guilty plea (or eventual conviction) for the crime of drug possession (or worse, trafficking). He counters, "why not take out Sen. Lacon first?" He is, of course, referring to the incumbent senator who is currently in hiding, given the standing arrest warrant issued against him for the crime of murder.

The governor misses the point completely. And I think it sums up what is wrong about this country and its leaders.

The question here is not who ought to be booted out first. It's who ought not be holding a leadership role given his/her apparent lack of credibility to have one.

Mr. Governor, ever heard of the concept "leading by example?"

If your son is every bit the good person you appear to imply that he is, he will not wait to be ousted. He will, through his own efforts, remove himself from his office. Whether he brought his drugs for his own use, or to sell them; whether he pleads guilty to the offense or is convicted of the same, the fact remains that he committed a very serious crime --- by Hong Kong or Philippine standards. He cannot continue to demand the respect befitting an honest, law-abiding government official.

Shame should, by itself, be enough to tell him what is the proper thing to do.

Resign.

Why is shame so scarce in this country? Apparently, the Marcoses and the Arroyo's of the world do not have an understanding of the damn thing. Neither does a certain member of the Supreme Court. The same can be said of most other government officials who continue to cling to their positions despite the overwhelming evidence about their involvement in very grave offenses.

To reiterate, Mr. Governor, the point in all this is that a crime has been committed by a supposed representative of the people. That person who had the guts of bringing with him drugs to another country, should have the guts to save his country the shame it is expected to receive for having a criminal as a so-called official representative of its people. That person happens to be your son.

Let Lacson deal with his own conscience. We're interested how your son will deal with his.

Great Things Start from Small Beginnings

2011-01-03T01:29:00.000+08:00

Day One. I started jogging again as I promised to myself (several months ago).

Day Two. I began sorting out my music files as I promised to myself (several years ago).

The year has just begun. So far, so good. I resolve to make each day count by doing something essential. It doesn't have to be something big or dramatic. So long as it's important.

Whatever I can do now, I should do now --- I will do now. That's the motto for me to live by. This year. And perhaps, from here onwards.

In the next few days, here are just a few of what lie ahead:

1. Settling my account with the BIR.
2. Settling my INC grades in 2 FA subjects. This involves making artworks out of slippers. And producing awesome photos using a film camera.
3. Settling my employment (or lack thereof) problem.
4. Get my paycheck from DAP.
5. Finalizing my upcoming poster project.
6. Giving out my gifts to certain people.
7. Dining out with certain friends.
8. Finishing my first-ever painting (on canvas).
9. Learning how to stretch canvas on my own.
10. Submitting my Figure Drawing outwork that's long overdue.
11. Making (or have someone else do so. hehe) an artwork involving the SALIGAN logo.
12. Making progress re: Case Analysis work

So many things to do. ~~So little time~~. Let me at 'em.

2011

2011-01-01T15:47:00.000+08:00

2011 isn't as catchy as 2010 but I hope it proves to be a whole lot better.

The year that was will forever stand out as one of the more turbulent times of my life. I was under tremendous pressure on both professional and personal levels. It started with the loss of a very good and long-time friend, Nald; and ended with the loss of a two and half year job after being unceremoniously fired (even if my ex-employer insists on another interpretation).

Between these two, a slew of circumstances further distinguishes 2010 from the other 29 years of my existence. There was that jerk who went on to dupe my art class in relation to our first-ever class exhibit, and whom I nearly sued for all his nasty remarks against me when I confronted him about his shameful acts. There's also the fact that I currently have two subjects marked INC (incomplete) in my transcript for failing to submit all requirements in the said subjects. [How apt that this unfortunate matter can be attributed to two things I've already mentioned: (1) the art exhibit brouhaha; and (2) my being fired from work.] My friend Bonk's father, Sir Rudy, also passed away. He was my parents' teacher way back in college. They remained good friends until the end.

Indeed, it was a bad year according to most people's standards.

That said, there were things to be thankful for, too. They are not quite as heavy in terms of impact, but I'd take them any day. I prefer to keep them to myself for now.

Today is already 2011. I will make sure to support my hopes with concrete actions, minus procrastinations. I will be more patient, and more importantly, I will allow myself to feel once more. I have been numb for a very long time for some reason. It's time to snap out of it.

2011. Be my year.

Moving and Forward

2010-12-27T02:07:00.000+08:00

I was slightly moved by this Christmas. It is about family, after all. And how we are as a family right now is perhaps the most "normal" we've ever been for quite some time now. It's probably gonna stay this way from here on out.

But it's okay. Things rarely turn out the way we want them to, but we also usually come to appreciate the fact that things almost always could be a lot worse.

What is more important for me though is what next year has in store. Yes, you could say I'm looking past this holiday break, and treating it as nothing more than a necessary precursor to what is about to come.

What IS about to come, you ask?

Well, if the universe conspires to give in to my request, I expect next year to arrive with nothing less than enlightenment. I will have found the answers to my most basic questions. And I will have started building my life around these answers even if it means starting all over again.

I'd be lying if I said it doesn't scare me, because it is. But one has to take risks. So it's just me taking risks.

10:24pm, December 25, 2010

Swinging for the Fences

2010-12-20T23:43:00.000+08:00

In a few short days, I will be going home again to Naga to spend the holiday break. It's a yearly thing that began from the moment I set foot on the shores of higher learning (read: college).

What makes this trip similar to the experience of recent years is that I will once again be attempting to use the brief period I am there to go over my life and confront the nagging questions that continue to bother me. Questions like "what am I supposed to do, now?" or "what do I really want?" or "what will make me happy --- or asked in reverse, what is keeping me sad?"

I am hoping that unlike the previous years, this time I will actually find some solid answers upon which I can firmly stand on as I go bask in the light of the incoming year. There is nothing more exhausting than ~~having~~ needing to ask the same questions over and over again.

What makes this trip different is an interesting story by itself. One that I cannot fully tell as it is ongoing as I write this down right now.

The year began with the very sudden death of a very close friend (Nald). It ends now with the apparent death of my career in tobacco control. (For those close to me enough, they know that I got fired around two months ago, for being brave ---or arrogant, apparently --- enough to actually file a resignation letter.) These, coupled with a lot of gray areas squeezed between them, all serve to distinguish this break's soulsearching as being of another level altogether.

And quite frankly, I am afraid.

I am afraid that I will not find the answers that I seek by the time the clock strikes 12, and a new calendar is propped up beside our dinner table. I am afraid that I will just be coasting through the next year with no clue as to what I want, or need, or am.

In fact, I am scared.

I am scared that no matter how much this year tried to change me, I will end up next year very much the same.

I feel I have something big to share with the world. Something good. But I could very well keep it with me to the grave, simply because I don't know what it is.

In a few short days, I will be back in Naga, the supposed heart of Bikol. I am hoping I will find my heart there as well, and what's in it.

Overtures

2010-12-04T12:53:00.000+08:00

02 December 2010

What I am is the outcome of everything that's gone right and everything that's gone wrong in all 30 summers. I am myself and my circumstances.

The significance of this realization is not easily perceived. Today, it took a labor case, a late afternoon flight, a momentary pause in the midst of a mildly crowded airport waiting area, some pirated music and a handy laptop.

I sit here comforted by a mid-afternoon heat that whispers change. Change that has been in the offing for quite some time. I try to whisper back nothing's and something's, anything's.

It has got to stop at some point. This perpetual staring game with fate. "What is it you want from me?" "What is it that you want?" I've blinked so many times that I've lost count. She's distracted me a thousand times more, it's become irrelevant.

All I need is for all this to become an afterthought. It's been in my thoughts long enough.

Update? Not so much

2010-11-29T23:37:00.000+08:00

This wheel that we call life just keeps on turning. It'll be two months next week since I stopped working for my ex-employer. Whether or not I was fired is a question that is still up in the air. I am also still without a stable job, although I have been fortunate enough to secure small gigs to sustain my day-to-day expenses without entirely relying on my mother (and sister).

I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in a rut and I can't figure out what I should be doing next.

I sense a journey in the offing very soon.

Private Practice

2010-11-14T20:23:00.000+08:00

I'm going over this case referred to me just recently. My job is to study a client's case, go over her files and then tell her what her options are. That's about it.

As I pored over her files, the first thought that ran through my mind was how unfortunate for this woman to have had the experience of being represented by this lawyer who doesn't appear to know whatever it is he's doing. The guy is all over the place. I can forgive broken English every now and then, but the pleadings he prepared simply do not make any sense! And to think, according to the documents themselves, he agreed to take the case for P250,000.00, plus another P50,000.00 for litigation expenses, and P5,000.00 for every appearance. It's not only that he failed to put anything in the pleadings that would actually help his client, but he also failed to submit the correct pleadings in some instances, and avail of the appropriate remedies in others.

I cannot deny that my familiarity with the law is not that good right now. To say that I'm rusty would be an understatement. But I can definitely tell that even a competent law student would have fared better in protecting the interests of this woman.

She is not a Filipina. And right now, I'm told that she only wants to regain her trust in Filipinos. Not only because of her former counsel but because of the other persons involved in her case who all apparently abused her kindness and trust.

It is times like this that I wish I had spent more time in litigation, so that I'd be in a better position to help her. For now, I can only hope that my memory doesn't fail me and everything I've learned gradually comes back to aid me.

Maybe this is a sign of what I have to do in the future.

Tragedy

2010-10-30T16:49:00.000+08:00

Barely an hour has passed since I arrived here in Naga. The typical 8-9 hours it takes for us to drive back here from Manila became almost 12 hours for this one time. Somewhere along the Quirino (or Andaya, depending on which politician you wish to glorify) Highway, a private jeepney filled with dalanghita rammed into an Amihan bus headed for the Metro (I think). The result: three fatalities. All of whom, I think, were riding the jeep, which had half of its body missing. A result, no doubt, of the collision.

Tragedy.

It took us almost two hours to get past that site, where our car was just one of many making up almost two kilometers of vehicles line up behind the ill-fated jeepney. On the other line, a relatively shorter line followed the Amihan bus.

Life is shorts, indeed. Nald would have made that observation.

I was recently the victim of a tragic thing myself. I got sacked. And when I tried to demand for what is rightfully mine, my ungrateful employer lost no time in getting a law firm to flex its muscles against me and my two other sackees. The nerve, right?

But that's ok. All this time, I've been trying to find a legitimate motivation to flex MY legal muscles. What could be a better motivation than being called a liar, trespasser, mercenary and unfit as a lawyer?

I think that is more than adequate motivation.

I was raised to value one's name. Because your parents may not be able to get you the riches this world has to offer, but they can pass on to you their names which embody honesty, integrity and the courage to fight for what is right.

The wrong people wronged the wrong people.

A Reponsible and Informed Choice

2010-10-24T16:09:00.000+08:00

Tobacco use is not a responsible and informed decision as tobacco companies would have you believe.

It is not informed because 99% of the time, people choose to smoke not knowing fully well the repercussions of their choice. They may have an idea that it is addictive, but somewhere inside of them they retain this belief that they can do away with it whenever they want to. They are not aware that 9 out of 10 people who try to quit smoking, fail. They may know it can cause lung cancer, but they are not aware of the many other diseases it can lead to, including those which it increases the risk of people having.

It is not responsible because it is selfish. Smokers are prone to say that regardless of its possible outcome, tobacco use is a choice for them to make and it affects no one else except themselves. Most of them don't realize that what they perceive to be a personal choice is actually one they are also making for other people. How often does a family of five proceed to the smoking area of an restaurant, simply because one of them happens to be a smoker? And if a smoker dies or gets sick, does that person actually think that he/she is the only one affected by his/her demise or illness? If a male smoker with a family dies, not only does he lose his life, his wife also loses a husband; his children lose their father. If a mother who smokes gets sick, it's not as if she'll expect her family to go on with their lives and pretend she's not there. Odds are that they'll likely stop whatever it is they are doing to care for her, and spend what money they have to see to it that she is treated well. That's what families do.

Next time a smoker tells you about how he/she is responsible enough to decide to smoke and live with the consequences, tell him/her to think again.

Tobacco use is as irresponsible and uninformed a decision that you could possibly make.

Woe

2010-10-08T22:45:00.000+08:00

I just spent the past few hours with family, talking about my most recent work-related problem: being unlawfully dismissed after opting to exercise my right to resign. And for a fleeting moment there I thought about how it would be nice to have a lawyer in the clan to help me out.

I realized of course I do. I have three of them - excluding myself.

It's just that sometimes I still feel as though I don't.

And that really makes me sad.

Tragedies

2010-08-31T09:41:00.000+08:00

2010 is turning out to be quite the tragic year. It's not because of the botched hostage rescue that happened in Manila - although there's that, too. It's because of the deaths of two people I know and who were quite the constants in my early life.

Last week, the father of my friend, Bonks, succumbed to complications after suffering a stroke a day or two earlier. Mr. Rudy Alano used to teach at the Ateneo de Naga College (now a university). He was such an institution there that even my father got to take his class way back in the '70s.

Earlier this year, there was of course Nald. A friend since first grade, he was still just a tricycle ride away until the night he passed away in his rented room at UP BLISS. His death came just a few hours after we were still together with other friends talking at the Trinoma Mall food court. He was an institution in his own way.

These things, I'd like to think, serve as wake up calls for people like me. People who go through life mostly within a comfort zone that keeps us from a lot of stuff out there just waiting to be experienced.

The window of opportunity is quite small and often open only for a brief period. After which I go back to being that drone that does away with critical thinking and traces the barely visible path ahead of him.

Right now that window is open again and it is closing fast.

Work Assessment

2010-08-04T21:12:00.000+08:00

There is the very real possibility that by this time next year I will be at the tail end of my stint with the tobacco control advocacy. This creature that fell on my lap with the most unusual of circumstances (an instant message by way of Yahoo Messenger).

It was in June 2008, while awaiting the results of my applications to two government offices, and with one more (for a now-retired CA justice) ready for my taking, that I found myself agreeing to a job involving a very alien advocacy. My friend and batchmate, Rax, was a former employee and saw me go online and told me about this urgent need for a lawyer. One thing led to another - most of them quite odd, as well - and I was hooked.

Since then, I've come to meet many people and have gone to quite a lot of places courtesy of this job and the advocacy it aims to serve. I've encountered friends and allies, local and foreign. And I have seen foes both outside and inside the movement itself. I have had my share of frustrations and feelings of disgust, and sad to say, there have been very few fulfilling moments inbetween.

By now, I have come to the following conclusions and I stand by them knowing what I know now:

1. The advocacy is one of the more challenging ones I have ever encountered. Its urgency is difficult to explain. Ignorance abounds. And valuable allies are a rarity.

2. Most of the current crop of local leaders that this advocacy has today are weak. Few really have their hearts for it. Many are only after the funds involved and quite a few are outright corrupt, if not also inept.

3. The tobacco industry is a very powerful enemy. It has very creative people working for it. It has many of the best legal minds working to further its interests. And quite a lot of the country's elite are working side-by-side to protect its existence, assisted unwittingly, in one way or another, by some members of civil society.

4. Much of the first and third observations will most likely stay that way, regardless of what I do, what genuine advocates do. This means there is a way to change the second. But...

5. The way things are going, it will take a long time before something significant really happens for this advocacy here in the Philippines.

I guess it is quite obvious now why I consider myself nearing the end of my stay here. While I am in possession of many imperfections myself, I believe there are still in me many of the basic principles I told myself I will not compromise as I go about living my life. These basic principles, I believe, have all been effectively ignored or disregarded by many of the people involved in this line of work.

I still believe in effective leadership. Leadership that is earned. Leadership that is inspired.

I still believe that no advocacy is worth anyone's time unless everyone involved pour their hearts into it. You can always find a job that pays better. You can always find a job that involves less work. But belief in what one is working for, and the willingness to give one's talents, one's time and one's efforts to the work's goals are all intangibles and are both impossible to fake.

I still believe in efficiency and hard work. I may not have the most organized of thoughts, but I appreciate a good set of ideas when I see one. I may not always jump on the idea of performing tiring tasks, but I have been known to allot inexplicable amount of time to things I want done or things I believe ought to be done.

I still believe in integrity. That the government reeks of corruption. That the private sector also breeds and encourages corruption. That even NGOs have their share of people with questionable background and work habits. All these do not serve to justify one also dipping one's fingers in the pot of greed and dishonesty.

I believe in these things. And that is why I want out.

Right now, I am still toying with the idea of keeping myself involved in the advocacy in the future but only on a consultancy basis. With that, at least, I'll able to detach myself with many of the things I complain of while still able to extend tome assistance when I am able and if I want to make myself available.

It has been a bumpy ride. Time to change cars. Or stay off this road completely.

To live a simple, clutter-free life

2010-06-27T12:19:00.000+08:00

I may have had what could possibly be the closest thing to an epiphany.

A couple of nights ago, I was playing a PC game while my mother and sister were having dinner. The TV was on and it just so happened that Oprah was, too. The show was about how women lived in all these different places in the world. The pretty blonde Dane was up first, and everything else that came after will not matter to me anymore.

But it wasn't the lady that's to blame. It was this home which she shared with her husband and three kids.

It was an apartment overlooking the capital city that is Copenhagen. It was white and neat, and clean, and tidy.

I was so smitten by the idea of living in such a place that I soon found myself rummaging through my stuff the day after. And then, I was off to the mall purchasing two bookshelves and a couple of plastic containers to organize all the things that've accumulated in our apartment, courtesy of yours truly.

A related Facebook status post later, and I was browsing over this page suggested by a friend who saw my post.

I simply can't get enough of this idea, especially in light of my recent musings about how I've been stuck in some sort of timewarp where things don't seem to change that much even as I grow older by the day.

Maybe it's my clinging to the past, and my worries about the future that's preventing me from living in the present. Everything else is whizzing past by me.

Maybe this is a start of something beautiful.

Alive

2010-06-01T02:12:00.000+08:00

I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life! To put to rest all that was not life. And not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.

- Henry David Thoreau

Friendly Statistics

2010-05-09T08:26:00.000+08:00

When I look back to my three-week escape to the US in August of last year, I try to remember what I miss the most. I went over my little black book and found this entry:

"It's Tuesday night. Four days since the two-week leadership program ended... I'm still trying to let things sink in. It's been an extraordinary two weeks.

I actually went out of my way to meet new people. It was a totally unplanned thing until I made the sudden decision while already well into the event. I still don't know why or what prompted me to do so. All I know is that I'm glad - very glad - I did.

It is true what they say. Be genuinely interested in people and 8 out of 10 instances, they will return the favor and reward you with kindness and mutual respect. One or two will turn their back on you, but by then you will have had 8 others who've made you their friend.

Not bad."

Stumbling Along

2010-05-08T20:20:00.000+08:00

When Nald passed away last January I did not only lose a friend, but also this anchor in days when I find myself confused and without direction.

Here was this person who, as a small boy, I envied a lot for seemingly having all these things I wanted for myself: a lot of G.I. Joe action figures, a Monopoly board game and the ability to treat the our entire class - together with the teachers - with fast food meals.

By the time he died, our lives could not have been more different. I had this stable job with a decent salary, which made most things I crave for within my reach. He, on the other hand, found himself in difficult times after boomeranging from one job to the next, not one of which truly satiated his cache of interests.

That said, one thing remained constant in Nald and it was that which also made him some sort of a fixture in my life. It was his hunger for happiness and his willingness to persevere for it. No matter how much it cost or how long it took him to get it.

A terrible breakup or the lack of a job at one point did not seem to deter him one bit or cause him to lose sight of what he wanted and why he wanted them. There were bouts of depression, for sure. And I could feel a sense of desperation in him on certain occasions. But his vision was never in doubt and his desire for it never wavered.

Unlike me. And my continuing journey across this maze I mistake for something I have already figured out.

When Nald moved on, things were like how they used to be.

Until it was decided that he had to go and I am left now to fend for my own.

To Toil Even As I Seek Rest

2010-04-02T18:23:00.000+08:00

Will the universe please conspire to make things right and make everything feel better? I am falling in this bottomless pit, where there is no end it seems and the light up there has long faded. The walls, rugged and studded with razor-sharp stones, stare eerily silent. And I can hear nothing but the constant hush of the putrid wind blowing against my face. Part of me wants this descent to end now, whatever lies below. The rest try to pull on invisible strings, hoping against hope. Maybe something will catch me at some point. Maybe my senses will have been dulled by the time I touch down, it matters not when I will actually hit the ground.

Oh, such tragedy. To be engulfed in flames that know no rest. To burn. Until I am exhausted like the ashes that remain.

A Pause And Then A Curious Thought

2010-03-07T10:54:00.000+08:00

Sometimes what is harder is your inability to understand a problem, rather than the problem itself. The latter may be buried under this pile of other issues, and your vision is obstructed by biases cluttered in the periphery of an erstwhile perfect line of sight.

There is despair in the sudden realization that you are embedded in the exact same scenario you used to scoff at. Back when you only had disgust and a puzzled look on your face to offer to the people you once saw languishing in it.

What is it with these things, you thought. What is it with these people, you wondered.

It all seemed so easy, it merited no further thought. No more analysis necessary. It was clear as day. Crystal.

It never is, of course. And this is nowhere else more apparent than in that situation itself, with you in it.

This calls for a renewed effort to comprehend. A better attempt to make sense of things is in offing.

It is time to let loose one's logic, and temper one's heart's impulses.

For the world awaits your response. That would be the root word for 'responsibility.'

Dropping By

2010-02-03T02:31:00.000+08:00

There is always a calm before and after storms.

It's calm right now.

I just don't know which case it is this time. Has the storm passed? Is it just about to begin? Maybe both?

Could it be something else? I want it to be something else. I want it to mean exactly the way it feels.

Peaceful. Light. Reassuring. Beautiful. Good.

I want it to mean that everything's going to be alright.

------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple of people have come forward and raised their concern. For me.

It's okay. I'm okay. I'm still okay, at least.

I'm handling things the best possible way I think I can deal with them. Probably not the best way ever. But it's the one I think I can actually pull off, with due regard to my abilities, to the situations and the potential outcomes of every option I entertained.

Thank you for the offer of help. Maybe it was an ear for listening. An advice to heed. Coffee to perk me up. A pat on the back. A soothing reminder that there are people out there who care. For me. Despite my shortcomings and imperfections.

Thank you.

I will probably need that ear at some point. I'll probably need to hear that advice eventually. That coffee would one day be too much for me to resist. And I'd like that pat a couple of times soon.

But not yet. Not yet.

Where I'm At

2010-01-17T14:50:00.000+08:00

There's plenty for me to write about. There are tons of things I want to say.

That's not the problem.

And while one could argue that it's probably time that's keeping me from filling up these virtual pages - as I am often prone to do - I wouldn't consider that to be the culprit either.

It's hard to explain. Even for me who seem to always have something to say about everything else.

A part of me would wish to propose that it's been my complete honesty about some things, and total lack of disclosure about others, that put me in this position. In this very compromised and very vulnerable position.

So now, I am naturally confused. I am stuck in this stagnant state where every move I make seems to have repercussions that are too serious or too huge for me to handle. That's why I allow myself to be cemented in to this spot we often call as "nowhere."

I am nowhere.

Thoughts Of Now

2010-01-12T07:01:00.000+08:00

I think I'm going to be sick myself.

My left foot aches from all the running I've been doing lately. I aggravated it yesterday when I decided to go for a run. I thought I needed to go out and get myself some air. It has been suffocating of late.

My head is spinning from all the thinking I've been doing lately. I know it is not a secret that I tend to look in to things with far more curiosity than your average person. These recent times though, I've particularly upped the ante. There are all these established principles and personal convictions that are being put to the test. And now there is this death.

What is friendship? What is it really, when you cannot preserve it because there is too much love? What is friendship, when you cannot save it because fate has a lot more to do with it than we care to admit?

Why build things when they are constantly put asunder? Why love things when they can always leave you and go away?

My eyes tire of all this despair. They can only weep so much. My voice tire of declarations. It can only explain so much.

Oh how I wish it were much simpler. That we would find people to love and we would all grow old together and live the life we've always dreamt of.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Not like right now. Not like this.

When I always come up short. When I always end up empty-handed.

Love, Death and the Unknown

2010-01-11T16:04:00.000+08:00

My head. My heart. They're on fire. Help.

What The Hell Is Going On?

2010-01-08T17:17:00.000+08:00

These past weeks I somehow dug myself deep in to this mysterious, sinking hole where I find myself now.

This hole is huge and it is complicated. It has a lot of burrows and tunnels. Jagged razor-sharp rocks protrude from its sides while all sorts of poisonous creatures hide in the dark crevices found all over it.

The question I keep asking myself is not so much as why I went on to put myself in to this predicament, but rather how I managed to do it.

I have some idea as to why.

It may not be the most sound piece of explanation you'll ever get to hear, but I believe it is acceptable as it is. You'll just have to claw further in to that grey matter of yours. Or better yet, look in to that massive piece of muscle pumping between your lungs. Maybe you'll have better luck there.

But how? That is exactly my question.

No amount of planning prepares us for what is to come. I get that. But I also adhere to the belief that with enough precaution and enough preparation, we still get to avoid for ourselves situations that would otherwise completely sweep us off our feet and leave us lying flat on the ground. With a massive headache and a broken spirit to go alongside it.

That is why I am extra cautious. And why I try my best to be always prepared.

Sometimes to the point of being paranoid. Sometimes to the point where I allow myself to be paralyzed.

And yet, even with all that experience - not necessarily the kind you'd proudly announce to the world - here I am now.

I am suffocating even in the middle of wide open spaces. I see darkness in broad daylight. My head keeps spinning around and around and around. And my heart feels just about ready to explode because it cannot contain the army of emotions contending and unleashing themselves upon each other.

What the hell is going on?

It will be that kind of sadness of unheard-of proportions if it turns out that this is just a case of me finding something I thought I have lost forever in the worst possible way, at the worst possible time, with the wrong people around me.

The thing that I'm afraid of the most?

It's that it's probably the case.

Over Coffee and Tea

2010-01-02T08:25:00.000+08:00

We met over coffee and tea. And we said we'd make some changes that by April we'll get to see.

I am taking on the challenge of this new year. There is apprehension in my heart and fear is apparent in my eyes. It is but the reality that there is no turning back that keeps me on my feet. The time for everything, anything is now. Mistakes are inevitable but we can do something about how they are to affect us.

I hope to be ready. With your help and with you dreaming with me.

Years

2009-12-31T19:02:00.000+08:00

I want to end this year and start the new year right. Which is why I deleted the first few lines I was going to write in this post. They included the word "breakdown," you see.

The year that was. 2009. It's been another roller coaster ride. (I'm getting tired of making use of this phrase to describe every year that comes to pass.) Ups and downs from beginning down to the very end.

I've been to two other countries. I've returned to school - art school this time. For the first time, I experienced the UP Lantern Parade as a member of the UP College of Fine Arts contingent. I've found priceless treasure in the company of certain people. All the while, I went through some pretty messed up stuff. Relationships had their share. Work had its portion. Family matters had quite a few to contribute as well.

I made peace with several issues hovering over my head. Some uncertainties cropped up and continues to challenge me to this very moment. It's always like that, ain't it? The more questions you answer, the more questions keep popping out.

Love. It's a pretty fucked up idea that's used, misused and abused in so many ways. I've seen it in many forms this year. And as expected, I'm in no way nearer to understanding the damn thing. What the hell.

Next year should be interesting. It's going to be a big one. I can feel it.

Another roller coaster trip it may turn out to be. I just hope there are more upsides this time and less downers. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Returning

2009-12-24T15:42:00.000+08:00

For the most part, it's been the lack of time that's prevented me from posting regularly these past couple of weeks. Of all the things that demanded my attention - 100% and then some - last week's UP Lantern Parade stands out like a sore thumb. That event took away so much of my time even my knack for overthinking and/or overanalyzing stuff had to be put on hold. Something that rarely ever happens.

A lot of things have definitely taken place. Some have been so mind-boggling, I keep on repeating thoughts inside my head just so I can look in to them more closely than my previous attempts. Some are remarkable because of their novelty. For others it's the consequences they are destined to produce. Others stand out simply because they are a recurring bunch which - for the life of me - I can't explain why.

I will try to lay them down in the next couple of days. My head is more than capable of containing these things, but being able to put them down in writing certainly helps a lot when it comes to making sense out of them all. I guess it's my being able to transform them in to concrete objects that does the trick - even if by concrete objects I only mean words.

As a side note, today is Christmas Eve. And for the first time perhaps I am miles and miles away from my family. I had to make this brief return trip to Manila to see to some things that need my immediate attention. Circumstances have dictated that I be unable to return to Naga just in time for the midnight mass and the traditional Noche Buena that follows.

It's only half as bad as it looks (and feels) - for reasons I think I don't need to elaborate on. Suffice to say, I've stocked up on a couple of happy thoughts which, though very temporary, are just enough to get me by.

Running Post #1

2009-12-09T22:51:00.000+08:00

This is a running blog post. I will be posting as I come to think of things running inside my head.

10:42pm

Right now, I am feeling disappointed. But it's nothing to waste more time on.

I think I am in one of life's many exercises. One wherein I can already see the moral lesson from where I stand. And yet I keep pretending it's something entirely new to me. That somehow things would turn out differently in the end. Even if deep inside my heart I know they probably won't.

Anyway, I know I am smart enough that I will soon wake up from this dream that I bask in at present.

It's sick and twisted but I think on some level I enjoy inflicting unnecessary pain upon myself by doing this. It's not physical suffering that is brought about it. But that's just it. Emotional distress and instability are much, much worse.

Sigh.

People are complicated. There is nothing convenient about human relationships.

10:43pm-2:30am

Keane playlist

7:39am

It's hard to comprehend things when there is always this dark cloud hovering over them. Like a vicious shroud that would not allow any light to go through it, no eyes to see past it.

It's hard to understand when the world is full of mirrors and every attempt you make to observe all things external, leaves you nowhere but on a spot where you are forced to look inside yourself.

I have to get better at being human or I will also end up as numb, alone and dependent on a few things or people which may or may not even matter in the end.

I am learning, but it is one difficult lesson to absorb.

9:33am

Why
(Annie Lennox)

How many times do I have to try to tell you
That I'm sorry for the things I've done
But when I start to try to tell you
That's when you have to tell me
Hey... this kind of trouble's only just begun
I tell myself too many times
Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut
That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words
That keep on falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Tell me...
Why
Why

I may be mad
I may be blind
I may be viciously unkind
But I can still read what you're thinking
And I've heard it said too many times
That you'd be better off
Besides...
Why can't you see this boat is sinking
(this boat is sinking this boat is sinking)
Let's go down to the water's edge
And we can cast away those doubts
Some things are better left unsaid
But they still turn me inside out
Turning inside out turning inside out
Tell me...
Why
Tell me...
Why

This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead
This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears...
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel ?
'cause i don't think you know how I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
You don't know what I feel

11:05am

Because I've seen our best and I think the worst is worth suffering through.

On Me

2009-12-07T04:59:00.000+08:00

Is it that sad if after everything and a couple of day's worth of reflection, the first thing you resolve to do is figure out how to make yourself better? It suggests that you're the one whose faults need to be addressed. It implies that you still have not done everything humanly possible to be at that place where your capacity to understand is impeccable and your patience is endless.

Sometimes I think I set myself up for more disappointments so that I deserve everything that come my way.

I'm not sure why. I have an idea. But it's something that is rather complicated.

There is a limit to everything. I still believe in that. It's just that right now, I guess - and my voice trembles and my hands shake when I say this - my faith in certain things is just that stronger.

I am afraid to be wrong. Please don't let me be wrong.

Akap

2009-12-05T08:07:00.000+08:00

- ng bandang Imago

Nagtatanong
bakit mahirap
sumabay sa agos
ng iyong mundo

Nagtataka
Simple lang naman sana
Ang buhay
Kung ika'y matino

Sabihin sa akin lahat ng lihim mo
Iingatan ko
Ibaling sa akin ang problema mo
kakayanin ko

Pikit mata
kong iaalay
ang buwan at araw
pati pa sapatos kong suot

Nagtatanong
simple lang naman sana
ang buhay
kung ika'y lumayo

Sasamahan ka sa tamis
Sasamahan ka sa dilim
Sasamahan ka hanggang langit
Sasamahan ka sa tamis
Sasamahan ka sa pait
Sasamahan ka sa dilim
Sasamahan ka hanggang langit
Sasamahan ka

Everybody Hurts

2009-12-05T06:54:00.000+08:00

On some level each one of us wants to be understood. We want to be able to say and do things the way we want to say and do them. But to expect understanding, we ought to give it ourselves. That is the great irony that ties all things together. By recognizing that we all want the same thing, we acknowledge that we are all bound to give it away as well.

The inability of one or everyone to realize this results in inflicted pain. And pain - as we all probably know - fucking hurts.

I am Full of Dreams

2009-12-03T04:28:00.000+08:00

What Sort of Man Goes By

2009-12-02T21:17:00.000+08:00

I can't feel bad now. I have a lot of things hanging on my shoulders. And my shoulders? They're tired and exhausted from all the heavy lifting. Physical burdens are overrated. Emotional burdens. Now, they're the ones which really test a person's true mettle. You'd like to think that too much has been said about existential concerns that have them blown out of proportions. But there is, in fact, something to be said about such matters. They really pose quite a challenge even to those most experienced of individuals. There is nothing harder to punch a hole through than empty space. You are clawing at straws that are not there. You are screaming inside a box where no sound exists. And the loneliness that results is unbearable.

Sleepless in December

2009-12-02T11:26:00.000+08:00

I've had very little sleep these past couple of days. More precisely, five hours out of a total of 48 hours. And there is no relief in sight. Things are going to become more and more stressful from hereon. And it's not because Christmas is just around the corner.

To top it off, a source of confusion is once again creeping in to my consciousness. My God. I have to have some answer already to this nagging question.

I will hug my pillow for some temporary relief. And maybe some sleep.

Giving Back

2009-11-22T09:17:00.000+08:00

I had an idea.

This December, I'm going to share it with some of you...

Coming soon.

Teary-eyed

2009-11-19T19:50:00.000+08:00

Have you ever spent Christmas drowning holiday tunes underneath wailing, soulful indie music? Where you find yourself cramped in one dark and eerie compartment, along with four other faceless strangers.

You imagine pricking your right arm in one constant rhythm in the hope of masking true pain and real hopelessness. You say to yourself, "Maybe if I hurt myself long enough, hurt inflicted by others won't have to matter anymore." Not today. Not ever.

It is tragic in the same manner that it is normal under the circumstances. You can't have it any other way.

I was that boy you once saw make happy faces from your bedroom window. I was that boy you witnessed chasing dragonflies in my grandmother's garden on weekend afternoons. Just before it got all wet for the weekly watering routine.

If you remember me - how I seemed so happy and content - will you promise me one thing?

Promise me you'll help me recall them times myself. Because I miss them so. I need to believe. I need to hold on to something. I need to dream. Of an era that's let go of me, but which now I most certainly year for.

Forgive me. For I probably ask too much.

26 December 2007

Steady Evening

2009-11-18T18:39:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, friend JT came by, and over a couple of glasses of vodka we exchanged stories and thoughts about the state of each other's affairs. We've been both busy, it seems.

She has her work. And then, there's her advocacy which she feels passionately about. Both demand attention and certain degree of dedication. On my end, I also have my work, which happens to put me in to advocacy work by default. And then there's school.

Busybodies. That, we are.

We came to talk about some of life's many mysteries. It was not one of those heated debates about theories and philosophy, atheism or what-nots. It was not like that. Although that's been known to happen when people find themselves in drunken stupor.

Just some basic stuff. We talked about some pretty basic stuff.

Relationships. Integrity. Friends. Infidelity. Career. Politics. Search for Identity. Grasping for Norms.

(On second thought, maybe some of them weren't that basic, after all. But all that's beside the point.)

We talked about those things because we are both affected by them. And while it may be argued that all people actually find themselves enmeshed in such issues, I would still insist that we are among those who are just a wee bit more influenced, in one way or another, by such things.

As JT pointed out, some people can afford not to think about all these stuff. In relationships, some people have this ability to put another individual in the center of their own personal worlds to the complete exclusion of others, and that would be perfectly okay for them. We can't.

In careers, some people can forego with all the niceties and pretensions about being honest and fair, when deep down inside they are truly hardened to the core. They don't see the need to pretend. They see the merit of being what they really are, the norms of the rest of the world be damned. We can't.

It's not that we are somehow blessed more than the rest. In fact, to some degree it is also a handicap. We are just different that way.

Now, just like most conversations, we never really got to arrive at anything significantly profound after a couple of hours of talking. We were just a little tipsy, and a little sleepy. A little disoriented and maybe a little relieved too for having released some of the thoughts that have been kept us awake lately.

That is how it ended. And that was perfectly fine.

And oh, thanks to JT and EG for the belated, belated birthday gift. Now this one, this one is profound:

----------------------------------------

Yet again I have proven that I am truly addicted to words. I have to temper this vice, for it's drawn me to emotional disasters in more instances than I am comfortable to admit.

Good thing stones can't talk, or else I'd fall for them, too.

Wishes

2009-11-17T00:07:00.000+08:00

From now on, I would wish to be somebody else even if only for a while. Until all that remains of you is a distant memory of a lie I so desperately wanted to be true.

From now on, I would wish to be like stone, so that my eyes would no longer shed tears. And my ears would no longer fear listening to the words of silence and uncertainty.

From now on, I would want to be without limbs, so that you are forever out of reach. There would only be the embrace of loneliness, and the kiss of muted sadness.

From now on, I would like to be without voice, for I cannot be made to choose between tragedy and the impossible. There is no salvation. There is no hope.

I keep telling myself, from now on. I keep on insisting, from now on.

And yet here I remain, as myself.

Learning from Jack

2009-11-16T03:35:00.000+08:00

"As we come to the end... we find ourselves remembering the good times, and trying to forget the bad times. And as we start to look ahead, we start to worry. We think 'What am I going to do? Where am I going to be in ten years?' But I say to you... Please, don't worry so much. Because when you get right down to it, none of us have very long on this earth. Life is fleeting, like a shooting star in the sky. Whenever you see a shooting star light up the sky with its brilliance, think of me, and try to make each and every moment of our lives as spectacular as possible..."

I borrow these lines from the movie, "Jack," which tells the story about a man who grows up so fast, he looks 60 by the time he and his friends graduate from high school(?). He delivers these precious words as part of his speech during graduation, before friends, their parents, teachers and strangers from all over.

Right now, I feel like saying them out loud myself. Only that the person I hope would listen really well would be me.

--------------------------------------

These days, I am in that point where I am compelled to look at things in and from all directions. It has come to this because of quite a few reasons - people and some events, too - which, though not orchestrated, ended up together anyway. Combined, they all had me looking before I was even aware of it.

Just this past week, I think I spent more time thinking than any other activity not considered sleep. And mind you, it's the type that paralyzes and keeps you stuck in one place, with all traveling, all activities occurring inside your head. By the time you're done, you are exhausted as hell, and you didn't even have to lift a finger to be so.

The good news is that I did something to take away some of these things that have kept me awake and restless for quite some time. I managed to say out loud what I only used to whisper to myself. Most of them were questions. Some were my own answers. And then, there were also things which I felt I just had to say, so that I would carry them no more - or at least no longer by my lonesome.

Now, I feel as though there is suddenly this space inside of me I can fill up again. Good things, I hope. Like love, respect, honesty and happiness. Intangibles and abstract ideas, for sure. But necessities which make life bearable, if not actually something to enjoy.

That, I guess, is how it is to tell the truth. When they said it sets you free, they weren't kidding.

--------------------------------------

How do Jack's words now fit in to the picture? Simple.

You could be my shooting star. And whilst you're passing by, let's make life spectacular. You and I. Right now. K?

Public Service Announcement

2009-11-15T16:20:00.000+08:00

All infatuations, misconceptions and misplaced emotions, please proceed to the left and be guided to the exits. Here comes life. She has to go on.

This is your last warning.

Agawan Base

2009-11-13T09:20:00.000+08:00

Maganda siya. Salamat sa Link, Bob.

Agawan Base
ng Peryodiko

Sakaling magbalik sa iyo
Pagkatapos magpalit-anyo ang paligid
Sa ’sang gilid may mga matang nagmamasid
At nag-aabang ng bagong laro

Refrain:
Alam ko
Pagbabayaran ko
Ang nakalimutang tagpo
Pagbabayaran ko

Chorus:
Sa tuwing umaalis at tuwing bumibitaw
Ang puso ko’y nagsusumigaw
Nagpapanggap mang nakangiti pa rin
Dala ang iyong habilin
Ang puso ko’y nagususmigaw
Nagususmigaw

Verse II:
Sakaling magpalit anyo ang ngayon
Magagamot ba ang pait ng kahapon
Pagsisisi’y nakaukit sa naguumpugang bato
Eto na kaya ang bagong laro

About Today

2009-11-12T13:11:00.000+08:00

by the National

Today you were far away
and I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
and I just watched you
What could I say

How close am I to losing you

Tonight you just close your eyes
and I just watch you
slip away

How close am I to losing you

Hey, are you awake
Yeah I'm right here
Well can I ask you about today

How close am I to losing you
How close am I to losing

Autumn

2009-11-09T19:17:00.000+08:00

She is something I look forward to, but she has always eluded me.

Autumn.

She represents an end, and yet she remains just a prelude to the frosty moments of winter.

She brings out the color in nature, and yet for all the beauty she creates, she plucks all them leaves and throws them down to the ground where they slowly rot and disappear in to the earth.

Autumn.

I don't know why I am always drawn towards the tragic and the uncertain. Like moth to a flame, I will always find myself getting burnt no matter how many times it happens to me.

Is there any consolation worth the price of despair? Do I bring with me so much sorrow that the flowers beneath my feet all wilt, turn black and die? Just like...

Autumn.

I do not understand why you make it so hard to love you.

The Tragedy of Dream

2009-11-09T05:00:00.000+08:00

What is this? What is this? Asked the boy who would not sleep.

It is the world that tumbles and turns, answered the dream that sat by his side. When it tumbles, you roll along with it. When it turns, you tighten your grip as you make your way through it. The dream continued.

I do not understand. The world I know stands idle. It does not move and wear away. The world I know is silent. It does not weep and smiles it does not take away. The boy said alarmingly.

It is what it is, little one. The world you know does not exist. I am your dream. And you should listen.

But dream, there is only you because of the world I know. Without it, there is no comfort in sleep. There is only nightmare. And with nightmare, I wish not to fall asleep. You are here because the world which you now tell me does not exist.

And the boy stood there alone. With no one to talk to. No one to listen.

Dream was gone. Just like the world.

And right then, he knew. He died just a little bit more.

Sad Endings

2009-11-09T00:01:00.000+08:00

It looks to me I am nearing the end of yet another chapter of my life.

The peculiar thing about me though is that I tend to act in absolutes. It's never about one thing and one thing alone. I can never seem to get to that point where I am able to single out things and act in relation to them and nothing else. Everything is related. Everything intertwines.

Chapter endings are no different. Everything must go.

Right now, my head still spins like crazy. Everything is in constant motion that it's making me dizzy. I sense an impending departure, an end, fateful last act.

I'm not sure yet how it's going to happen, when exactly it's going to happen.

But it will.

Part of me wants it to stop but like all things, it's never really just about me.

Bring on the tears, the fake laughter, the whines, the clingy thoughts, the pointless ramblings of a man lost once again.

I can't take it. But it cares not.

Poema

2009-11-06T08:25:00.000+08:00

Tu justificas mi existencia
Si no te conozco, no he vivido
Si muero sin conocerte no muerto
Porque no he vivido
- Luis Camuda

Elope

2009-11-06T07:04:00.000+08:00

Quickly take my hand and let the road dictate which direction we should take. Shuffle your feet and let us be off towards the horizon and disappear from the world as we know it. Do not look back for now. Let not indecision shackle your resolve to get free, even for just this one moment. Listen. Do you not hear the faint calling of the Eastern shore? The world looks on with interest, but it does not lift a finger. It will not interfere. It shall not make suggestions. Go ahead and try asking. Silence. Only silence greets you back. And you know what that means. Do not look to me for answers. I have already given you my thoughts. It is you who must now take the plunge. The water will either catch you with its gentle waves or drown you in deep, recurring sorrow. Quickly, I say. There is no more time. Soon, the rest of the people wakes up. And the magic will have disappeared. On to nothingness. Nothingness, I say. So come on. Elope. Escape. Run away. Then we return and forget everything.

Addiction

2009-11-05T18:02:00.000+08:00

I've been thinking. This must be how it is to be addicted.

There is this thing that you know is ultimately bad for you. Regardless of how good (extremely ecstatic) it makes you feel at times. Even if you've even thought of it as the best thing that's happened to you.

It makes you go crazy, though. That's what it does. Your senses go haywire. Your conviction is down on its knees. Begging you to stop it. Stop all the nonsense.

But you think, this is not nonsense. How can this be nonsense? It's so damn good.

Ah, the tragedy.

And all you can do is to keep away. As far away as you can. Even if your hand keeps reaching out.

To What End

2009-11-03T20:59:00.000+08:00

What do 1.5, 1.5 and 1.75 stand for?

Grades for my first three subjects in Fine Arts. Grades which I probably would have gotten anyway had I chosen Fine Arts the very first time I enrolled in UP. Grades which I've never gotten all at the same time while in law school. Grades which don't matter now since I continue to underload and thus, I am ineligible for honors even if I maintain this level of performance.

Bottom line? They are all but grades. That's all they are.

Yes, I am proud of them. But no, my happiness with my decision to study once more do not hinge on my getting high grades.

It's a new semester, my friend. One semester less between me and a Fine Arts degree.

I hope you will be there with me until the end.

------------------------------------------

Why do we keep wanting to touch the fire when we know it is hot and we are bound to get burnt for it?

One of those questions I am currently juggling in my head. I usually have several at any given time.

Maybe it's because we are people and our senses remind us that we are alive. So whether it be a bitter aftertaste, a cold shoulder or one stinking mess, it is - to some odd and sometimes even perverse degree - still something to behold and appreciate.

What is embarrassment and pain if we are already dead, anyway?

Labo.

Look Who's Talking

2009-11-02T01:00:00.000+08:00

One day I found myself giving advice to a friend about her tendency to evade labels and the reason I thought was behind this peculiar behavior of hers. I confirmed to her that indeed there is this sense of safety and comfort when one is constantly in motion. When one never stays put long enough for people to get an idea of who she really is and what is it really that makes her tick. This feeling is quite the irresistible type and rather addictive once enjoyed for an instance or two. I told her it was for this reason that I thought I fully understood her dilemma. It was not so much because she thought it proper, but more because she found it convenient.

At that moment I told my friend all these, I actually felt smart. To me, it was one sound piece of advice. An intelligent conversation needed a smart remark, and I thought I delivered one perfectly.

Fast forward.

It turns out someone has not been listening to his own words.

I don't have to look far to find a person who loves to hide beneath his own skin. One whose inadequacies are craftily masked under a veil of confusion and strategically applied deviant behavior. He who despises being put in a box, complete with tags and instructions for use.

No. He's sitting right here.

Torment

2009-10-25T02:08:00.000+08:00

Why is it that questions I thought I've answered long ago now haunt me again? They are persistent just as they are uncomfortable to ask. I do not appreciate doubt especially when it is poised to shatter the very foundations of the firm ground I am standing on.

I am like a sick man afflicted by a disease which knows no end. The ailment does not kill me, but it might very well just do so. I would rather be dead and lifeless than be forever tormented by pain and discomfort, especially when there appears to be no cure forthcoming.

Whatever made it disappear before, I hope it is here now. Here, where it is within my reach, within my powers.

Meanwhile, what am I to do? To fight an enemy I cannot see and perhaps I am unwilling to fight again.

It's impossible.

Jumper Modified

2009-10-23T12:14:00.000+08:00

He wishes he could step on that ledge, dear friend. So he could cut ties with all the lies he's been living in. And if you do not want to see him again he would understand.

I Have To

2009-10-19T20:42:00.000+08:00

Go Away.

Looking for Inner Peace

2009-10-08T00:57:00.000+08:00

One of these days I will wake up knowing I've finally found myself. And things will have fallen in to place. Everything is where they should be.

I only wish that day would be tomorrow. Because the routine of having to look around to know who I should be at any given moment can be unbearable and quite disorienting.

By this time, I should be way past such trivial pursuits.

Staring Blankly At My Monitor One Early Morning

2009-10-06T01:48:00.000+08:00

I fear that I might be on a collision course with a disaster that is ultimately self-inflicted.

Today I am embedded in a world in stasis. While things that confuse and compound admittedly abound, I have to admit that I am currently in possession of a life that is relatively "steady."

Life and experience though dictate that somehow, at some point, this state of being is going to end and my life will be thrown about and put in complete disarray. From which I will be forced to pick up the pieces and start anew.

The list of reasons for such an eventuality to come about could be endless. And there is no clear criteria to guide me so that I may limit them down to a manageable few.

So I will not dwell in the why. Rather, let me be concerned with the what. Or perhaps "what do I do" should be more apt.

I need to go out.

That last trip. That was pedagogical. It broke a lot of chains and forced open my eyes which had for so long a time closed themselves to possibilities and the limitless potential of dreams.

My return, however, has been quick to bury me back to my shell. Deaths - of all things - have greeted me with such fervor that almost every week since coming back, I hear of someone dying or getting killed.They are not all people close to me. Some of them I barely know. Some I have only seen on TV. But all of them combined have sent this chilling effect upon my consciousness.

Whatever was freed has once again been imprisoned. Whatever was empowered finds itself drained of strength once more.

I do not have the luxury of time, nor the convenience of youth, on my side. At least not like they used to.

So I have to try harder to break out of this dry spell. I have to persevere with more passion. I have to. I need to.

Especially if the future I see is inevitable. Then I need to put as much life as possible between now and that unfortunate fate that awaits.

Making Chocolate

2009-10-05T21:08:00.000+08:00

This is actually a recycled post. And the only reason I am putting this up again is because I promised someone I'd give proof that we actually do make our own chocolate drink.

I'm too lazy to check if all these photos I have here were also used the first time I wrote about this "family tradition" - if you may call it that. You will have to forgive the blurry state of these pictures. They were taken during my pre-DSLR camera days.

Anyway, here goes.

Making chocolate is fairly simple.

You have the basic ingredients.

Cacao Seeds. In their original form, they are nowhere near like the product they will eventually turn out to be.

Here they are, up close.

Then there's sugar. White or brown. Or whatever it is that you fancy.

That's it. Those are the ingredients.

Then you heat them until they stop making these popping sounds.

You put them down and may want to take away their outer skin at this point.

And you have these dark brown - almost black - pieces which already smell like the chocolate that you know. Take a bite at one and it'll actually taste like dark chocolate, minus the sweetness. Just plain, dark and bitter chocolate.

Start pounding on them until they further break in to smaller pieces. They don't have to be turned in to powder at this point. If you opted not to remove their skin earlier, then this would be the time to do it. You can't move on to the next part until you still have those unwanted layers lying around.

You then put them through a grinder which will be the one to turn them in to this sticky, dark and wet substance. The moisture comes from the oil produced as a result of the grinding process.

Mix the chocolate with the sugar. Mix them well.

Until you have this.

Using whatever shaping tools you may have lying around as mold, you can then churn out the chocolate in its final form. The most common form is similar to that of a tablet (as in the medicine). Hence, the term tablea, I suppose. But I remember us coming out with chocolate balls too.

Let them dry and there you go.

Packaging is not an issue as you may simply put them in plastic containers. In this photo, we experimented by wrapping them with papel de hapon and plastic. A gift idea if I remember correctly.

To use, just heat a couple of tablets together with water and you have your hot chocolate drink! (The ratio between the amount of water and the number of tablets is completely up to you. Some may want it thick. For others, maybe not so much.)

Writing, To The Wannabe

2009-10-05T07:35:00.000+08:00

Judging from his texts, Bertrand Russell may not have been the most gender-sensitive person in the world (although we can't say his peers were any better), but one has to admit that the man did produce some precious gems.

One of those which strike me the most pertains to the act of writing itself. He has this advice for those who wish to be writers but cannot seem to find it in them to be so:

To all the talented young men who wander about feeling that there is nothing in the world for them to do, I should say:

"Give up trying to write, and, instead, try not to write. Go out into the world; become a pirate, a king in Borneo, a laborer in Soviet Russia; give yourself an existence in which the satisfaction of elementary physical needs will occupy almost all your energies... I believe that after some years of such an existence, the ex intellectual will find that in spite of his efforts he can no longer refrain from writing and when this time comes his writing will not seem to him futile."

Recalling Baltimore No. 1

2009-10-03T20:26:00.000+08:00

For all the great things I believe my brief stay in Baltimore (last August) gave me, I don't think I've written enough about them. I recall telling quite a number of people of how appreciative I am that I actually participated in that leadership program. But to have written about this very same sentiment? I think not.

Today though is probably not the best time for me to come up with something from scratch. I am too distracted, and too embedded in issues, that I will most likely fail miserably in any attempt to accurately give you a picture of how I truly see - and value - that particular trip.

What I will do instead is show fragmented portions of my feelings during that time. How do I do that? Through words I actually wrote down on my notebook-slash-journal-slash-sketchpad which I almost always had with me anywhere I went to at that period. Maybe some of my co-participants will recognize this notebook when they see it again. In any case, here is an example:

It's 9:58am and we're on a train (from Baltimore) to DC. Every single day that passes by - each one is truly a new adventure. One that is without conditions, without borders.

I begin to wonder why it took me this long to realize this (sic). Something tells me it's not for being unable to see, but rather for not being willing enough to see. To look at the world without tinted (or tainted?) glasses. Tinted glasses the shade of which rests somewhere in the range of black and the gray area of uncertainty.

I appreciate all these stuff going on. Who would've believed that a two-week break could bring these many new dimensions to what was once an erstwhile "normal" but dull existence?

It's been an interesting ride. I'm going to take it all in.

Jacque Bermejo and the Marikina Dam Dilemma

2009-09-30T13:23:00.000+08:00

These past few days I have witnessed the worst and the best in the Filipino.

You have the government officials caught unprepared for a disaster which devastating effects, although unpredictable in part, could have at least been tempered had the reaction of their respective offices and agencies been quicker and more responsive. You have the portion of these people who are yearning for higher (or an extended stay in) public office in the coming elections, making use of the calamity as one big opportunity to advertise their names through relief goods and efforts. And you have the despicable part of the general population itself who still manage to commit criminal acts in the midst of all these human tragedies.

Fortunately, stories of their evil deeds are somewhat offset by the equally numerous stories of compassion and heroism by our other kababayans. Some of them even ending with people making the ultimate sacrifice (their own lives) just so they could help their less fortunate brothers and sisters.

The worst and the best. Just like I said.

At the same time, I have also seen the worst and the best in social networking platforms like Facebook and mobile phone technology.

As early as Sunday, status and text messages began spreading about the Marikina Dam being opened to release water in preparation for two other incoming storms. Meanwhile, screencaps showing the supposed offensive status message by one Jacque Bermejo also began circulating through the "share" function in Facebook. These two "news-worthy" stories spread like wildfire, and pretty soon, people in the Marikina area were panicking and the supposed accounts of this hapless Jacque Bermejo were being flooded with hate posts (emphasis on the hate). You could actually see a purported Mutliply account of Ms. Bermejo get updated every few seconds because of the sheer number of hate messages coming her way.

It turns out both stories were hoaxes. There is no such thing as a Marikina Dam. And that supposed insensitive and very incriminating post by Ms. Bermejo does not exist either.

But the damage has been done.

There was panic and there were hurt feelings. The government had to issue an official statement clarifying the non-existence of a Marikina Dam. Jacqueline Bermejo had to issue her own official statement explaining her problem with identity theft which, apparently, has victimized her the past few years (this insensitive comment about the current tragedy is not the first fabricated fact about her).

The question, I guess, is whether these two instances are likewise offset by the fact that the same means used to spread all these evil rumors about them, were also the same ones used to elicit assistance for and circulate crucial information about the disaster.

The answer remains unclear to me for now.

The Marikina Dam rumor could have easily caused injuries - and even deaths - had it been allowed to spread further. Jacqueline Bermejo could have been one of those to take hate messages and damaging rumors far too seriously and personally, that she might have resorted to taking her own life as a result. Or, one of those enraged by "her remarks" could have actually taken things overboard and did "something bad" to her person. These are no longer unprecedented scenarios at this point. People have actually died in these manners.

Lucky for us none of these very real possibilities actually materialized.

So where does the blame go? The internet? Facebook? The people who were complicit in spreading the false information? Some of them, it turns out, were the same people spreading vital information about rescue and relief efforts.

Is one life lost through a false rumor worth the ten lives saved through a lucky status message that got through and reached the proper authorities?

I'm thinking, No.

On Ondoy and Then Some

2009-09-29T17:51:00.000+08:00

I write this one down fully knowing that I am one of those lucky enough to have survived typhoon Ondoy's surprise flood attack unscathed.

In my decade-long stay here in UP Village, I've come to accept that it is just as prone to blackouts during typhoon season. When it was Milenyo's turn to devastate Metro Manila, we were one of those who had to suffer extra days of darkness compared to the rest of the metropolis. Our apartment (and those houses nearby) was particularly unlucky as we saw the homes several meters away light up a day or two before we eventually did. I was particularly even more unlucky since I had to spend those days of darkness (and days after that!) clinging to my abdomen as I recuperated from my appendectomy. I felt as though my guts were about to spill out at any given moment.

This time though, as if to make up for that horrible experience, mother nature spared our area. No blackouts. No flooding whatsoever. Only a day's worth of a phone-less and internet-deprived existence. And I guess the fact that one car was also partly submerged while parked inside San Beda College.

Sadly, the same cannot be said for the hundreds who died; the hundreds of thousands who got displaced and lost properties and/or loved ones; and for all the rest who had to suffer one or more inconveniences as a result of Ondoy's wrath.

It's terrible.

But there's something far more unsettling for me about all this.

It is that the impact of this tragedy on me has been very minimal. This is what disturbs me most.

I think I can explain it but I don't know if the explanation is enough to justify it.

I think it's everything that's happened and continues to happen that's made me in to this unfeeling, unfazed person amid the horrors of this most recent natural calamity.

Recently, a good friend and former high school guidance counselor was brutally murdered in his home in Makati. His body - his head, most especially - was riddled with gunshot wounds even as his hands and legs were all tied up and his face covered with packaging tape. Completely horrible. Utterly inhuman.

Office work has also been stressful in terms of it being a venue where morale is very low, productivity is almost nil and accountability is still relatively non-existent. I am still hanging on to threads of hope, writing down ideas and suggestions and proposals as to what I think should be done to make this line of work more valuable and more meaningful. But they are like that already - mere threads. Just about ready to snap and let go.

Art school has been a haven from unwanted stress and preoccupation up until this point. Right now though, with all the make-up school work I've had to do, it's become just another distraction, an added burden, almost devoid of any fun and/or welcome amusement.

Add them all up and you get this version of me. Tuned out and out-of-sync.

Now since I began writing this two days ago, some things have changed.

I learned that officemates were among those whose homes were ravaged by the massive flooding. One, in particular, suffered the most after - I am told - having been able to save only herself and her family and none of their properties which were all swallowed up by the water. This somehow gave the tragedy a face more familiar to me. It was no longer just about random strangers I see on TV. As news began to spread about other people I know and their own encounters with the calamity, this impact only grew even further.

But it's still not enough it seems. I can't explain it. I just feel so numb.

Flame's Out

2009-09-22T22:10:00.000+08:00

And just like that, cold water came and suddenly splashed all over me. Numbing my senses. Washing down my hopes like liquid down the drain.

I would listen to the music playing and it would not move me, except move me in to tears. I try to raise my hands to wipe them off but they just raise themselves up, only in exasperation.

What it is to me, is what it is to you. And what is good for me, might as well be good for you.

I am lost in the smoke of embers left by a dying flame.

Quickie Thoughts

2009-09-20T01:09:00.000+08:00

I spent most of yesterday - Saturday - catching up with school work by making some art material purchases and then by actually using them in making two of the seven plates I have to submit by sem's end, if I want to move on with this crazy idea of pursuing another bachelor's degree, while trying to make ends meet at work.

One of these plates isn't due until Tuesday of next week. The other one's to be submitted this coming Thursday.

It then goes without saying that I will probably stay home again for another weekend - which is basically how a normal weekend plays out for me, anyway.

-----------------------------

Now, I know I haven't been writing of late. Well, maybe I have, but only short narratives have so far been my typical ouput. That is actually saying something since, as I've come to realize, I am one who's never out of something to rant about.

I am unsure as to why this is the case. I think there are lots of things for me to say something about. I don't think having the time to write stuff is also the problem.

Maybe it's just lack of motivation.

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Work still has no direction. Or even if I were to agree that it has one, it's most likely leading to nowhere.

I've been trying to get ears to listen, heads to turn, minds to think and hearts to change. So far, no luck in that department.

It's frustrating. It's counter-productive. And it's making me think more about moving on.

Long Conversations

2009-09-17T23:24:00.000+08:00

It's not strange for me to find myself engrossed in conversation with someone for hours and hours, without interruption. Even if this someone happens to be a person I've just met for a couple of minutes before that.

I think genuine interest and an insatiable curiosity for human experience allows for this kind of behavior. And among all other methods of securing information, I think getting people to talk about them is the best, not to mention, the most enjoyable form.

Of course, not all people are open to this kind of idea. And this idea is perhaps not advisable for everyone, as well. Some are very particular as to whom they are only willing to chat with. Some lie too often, just as much as others have the tendency to brag. Others are just plain insincere - so what's the use, right?

Just the same, I think even with all these discouraging prospects, the opportunities simply far outweigh the disadvantages. Conversation will always trump credentials or some other secondhand data. Even insincerity has this propensity to rear its ugly head out there, for you to quickly recognize and be wary of.

So go ahead. I encourage you to make small talk. Converse. Chitchat.

And while you're at it, listen well too.

Loss

2009-09-15T02:40:00.000+08:00

Loss is one that is always hard to comprehend. It is emptiness, a void, that overpowers even as something - or someone - is taken out of the picture. Death is loss at its most potent form. Perhaps because of its permanence, the stamp of finality, that it places upon things. There is no appeal. There is no recourse. There is death, and there is moving on. What then of violent death? What do we make of something that is as senseless, as despicable as the taking of another person's life with one's own hands. Especially when there appears no remorse. And instead, there is only hate. Pure, uncompromising hate. Where is only room for darkness, and even more darkness. I try to imagine even as I try to cope.

Making a Statement

2009-09-09T14:47:00.000+08:00

It'll be three weeks this coming Saturday since my short stint in Baltimore ended and left me with a bag full of memories and thoughts to keep me busy for eons to come.

I would describe it as wonderful, something enlightening and even transformative to some extent. I made decisions there I did not plan on making. I consciously did some things I would have instantly frowned upon had the mere idea of them been introduced to me before. I was not myself in so many ways,and more surprisingly, I was like that for most of the time.

That is why I think it was wonderful. That is why I think that experience transformed me. And that is why I think it enlightened me - and continues to do so - in the ways and about matters most people are already accustomed to at this point in their lives

I am not sure why. Why what happened happened. And happened in the way it did.

The best way I could possibly describe it is that there seemed to be this imaginary lever, or switch, that somehow, in some weird way, got turned, tweaked, pushed to the other direction while I was over there. And then suddenly, just like that, I was doing new things - brave new things even, according to my own peculiar standards.

My inability to put some reason behind it all notwithstanding, I am simply glad that it turned out okay. Especially with the knowledge that I almost backed out as the time for it drew near, I feel truly blessed that I stuck by this decision I was only half-conscious when I made it.

Right now, it's all about putting to use whatever it is I picked up from there. It's all about passing on to others what I was privileged enough to listen to and learn by simply being there.

And even as I seem to sense that nobody (nobody important, at least) cares to listen, I will still do it. Because it's why I was there for. Because that's what I think (and hope) I was sent there for. Because it's the right thing to do.

Now if only the right people start doing all the right things...

Another Chance

2009-08-12T20:40:00.000+08:00

Another day, another chance to meet new people. It's an experience I have yet to master and fully appreciate. I hope I get to do that before this all ends.

Wise Words

2009-08-06T19:06:00.000+08:00

"The struggles of life change; they never end. Stop waiting for the day when 'you can relax' or when 'your problems will be over,' that day will never come. Most good things in life are fleeting and transitory. Enjoy them; savor them. Don't waste time looking forward to the 'happy ending' to all your troubles."
- Woolfalk and Richardson

Amen.

Just Great

2009-08-06T00:29:00.000+08:00

So many things running through my mind today.

Unfinished plates. Incomplete materials for class. unfinished office work. Unpacked stuff for traveling. Things unsaid. Things that need to be undone.

I just want to get it over with.

Another year. Another long year.

Random Thoughts

2009-08-04T20:36:00.000+08:00

Just one more day and this completely unnecessary stress will be going away. Well, at least I'm hoping it will - if past birthdays are any indication.

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I only have one gift in mind. And it is something that cannot be bought. I can try asking for it (in fact, I have but came up empty). But I wouldn't be keeping my fingers crossed at this point.

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You were a pleasant surprise. Yes you were. This one time, I woke up and there you were. I wish I could turn back time and at least for a day I could be in that moment once again. Eye to eye. Fingers intertwined. No words. Just an understanding that together, we can sometimes be beautiful.